Saturday, November 27, 2010

Don't you wish we'd fall in love?

I never thought that I would be able to let go of my past. Lets be honest, I am not very good at that. I never thought I would be able to let myself care again. Not unless someone from my past came back and told me they had made a mistake. I was certain THAT would be the only way I could "Love again".

I was wrong.

Its an amazing feeling when you fall so fast and so hard that your feet are over your head and your flat on your face in a new place that you never thought could exist.

I never thought this could exist for me.
I know that my life is so richly blessed by the hand of the Lord. I know that I have been given so much lately and it is becuase of God. I know he is helping me. I am so grateful.

I can't imagine my life without Eric. ... No, I can. And its horrible. Its lonely and exactly like it was before I met him, empty. I was searching for so long for someone like him to come along and open my eyes to the beauty that is life. I was waiting for someone to come along and mesh into my life.
And here he is and I am so blessed. My life is not perfect but I am so happy.

Everyone wants to be loved.  I never thought it was for me.
I am so glad I was wrong.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to. Nothing ever is what it may seem to be. Things don't stay the same forever. Change is inevitable in every aspect of life. Embracing change... learning how to deal with it is the key. The key I have not quite grasped yet. But I am working on it.

I don't ever seem to fully understand myself. I think I have the world figured out, I have myself figured out and than something will come out of nowhere and catch you off guard. That is not always bad, but for me who is constantly looking for stability and consistency it can be a bit unnerving.

I have been extremely blessed lately. I have very little to complain about. And yet in the midst of my happiness comes my ever occurring doubts. The doubts that make me wonder if I am doing what is right. I am aways second guessing myself. Wondering if I am being stupid. Wondering if there lies in the past something I will regret. Wondering if I am doing what is right... what if I just think its right and I am wrong. What if I am wrong?
There comes a time when you have to stop listening to the doubts.. (the doubts that are a lot less loud this time remarkably). There comes a time when you jump. You just jump and trust God and stop worrying.
God will not guide us somewhere that is second best.
I need to learn how to separate fiction from truth. Imaginary from reality. I need to learn how to trust in my answers and my happiness... I need to realize that I deserve to be happy despite what I may have been conditioned to believe. I need to not sabotage a good thing and just let it happen.

I need to learn how to Trust. Sounds like something I have heard before...

I need to allow myself to be happy.

The past is a wonderful place to visit from time to time... but if we never take a step out of the past, if we stay there holding on so tightly to what WE think is best for us, to what we think is supposed to be our path than we will miss life. We will miss opportunities.
Yes, the past is safe, becuase we already know it. and the future is uncertain, scary, and unknown. But if we don't trust we will stay at a mediocre level of happiness instead of the eternal blissful happiness we have been promised. Trust God. Trust that as we pray and live the way we should our lives will unfold in the way that is best for us.
Letting go is hard. Moving forward can hurt. But there is happiness up ahead. We just need to jump out there and free fall into the future.

I know this is a good thing. I can feel it.
I am just so bound by a past that broke me...

Be patient. I can over come. I climb mountains... so this, this is nothing.
You are worth this.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

It always comes right on back to you.

     There are so many thoughts running through my brain and yet all that I can seem to grasp is one constant sentence, "I want to runaway."
     Not to escape forever. Becuase I am not the type of girl to do that. But for a day or a week. I would like to go away. Alone. reconnect with myself. I wish I would have taken advantage of the times I spent alone. The moments when I had "Nothing to do".
Why did I complain about that so much and yet now I long for that.

     I saw her again tonight you know. That girl. That girl I finally now know. She was crying again. She has not done that in a while. And her tears ran down the curves of her cheeks only to release that pain from her past that she keeps so hidden deep inside.
     She didn't long for anyone though. She did not long for someone to come hold her and make all the pain disappear. She just cried. And as she cried she knew that it was through those tears she would learn and grow. She did not ask for the hurt to leave or the answers to be made more clear. Just for strength to move on. Happiness is promised to everyone in time. And its through our pain that we appreciate our happiness.

     The damage began 8 years ago. That was the tragic break that started it all. Others have chipped away at her since. And now she is left with a shapeless speck that has nothing left to give.
Why do we take what does not belong to us? Why do we break what we cannot repair?

I just want you to know, Becuase I don't think you do...You left without even realizing what you were leaving.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

We can just dance the night away.

     I went to an institute dance last night with some of the greatest people alive. I am not a huge fan of dancing or social gatherings (especially those which are focused around the idea of everyone dating becuase I usually feel pretty awkward while everyone stares at you and tries to see if you are worth asking out! ha.) but I had a lot of fun regardless. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself. It was definitely an evening I do not regret.
     As of late I have had a lot of time to think about the future and how it always seem to be that I am waiting for something. I hate that feeling. Waiting. Especially when I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for. I know that it is so important to gain patience while I wait, yet the test is how?
      Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk last conference about patience. You can see it here.
     I realize that patience is essential to becoming perfect. Patience shows that we can put our desires on hold for a time and then we do what the Lord would have us do. I find that it is hard to submit to the will of the Lord sometimes and not becuase I don't love him or I don't want to follow him but becuase I don't exactly know what is in store. It is scary to walk down a dark path with only a light that shines 5 inches in front of you.
     So once again I return to this ever present concept of Faith. I must learn to put all my faith in God and place my doubts and struggles at his feet. I know that if do this and just press forward that my burdens will be light and that I will be able to see where it is this dark and scary path leads.
     The world is so big. It is easy to get lost, lose your way and forget what is important. I have done that. I refuse to again. I know where I want to be now and even though I don't have all the answers to life's many mysteries I have the answers that matter.
     I know how to gain happiness.

     I realize that what we all desire is happiness and only happiness. When sadness comes we cry out to the seemingly empty sky, "Why can't I just be happy?" We moan and groan and look forward to those better times or sometimes we hold on to our past happy memories waiting for them to return.
I submit that we should be grateful for those sad moments. Those times that make us scream out in utter despair  and feel like we may never smile again. Becuase those are the moments that have really taught us what happiness is. Those moments have brought us to our knees only so we could feel that sweet peace that can comfort us. To show us that sunshine can follow a storm. We would never appreciate the sun if we didn't have those gloomy days. We would never appreciate the happiness that comes in life if we did not have sadness and loss.
I am going to work harder on trying to remember that.
I am going to work harder on enduring well and being patient through the hard times.

I know there is always a way to dance in the rain.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

"There are lots of smart ideas in books I never read..."

     I wish I was a scholar. I wish I read a thousand books and could impress you with my knowledge. I wish I could make you smile with my witty humor. I wish that I could sometimes be the age that I feel, and not be seen as this little immature twenty one year old.  I feel so much different than other people my age. But really I just feel different than other people.

     I know who I want to be. Who do you want me to be?
I sometimes feel like everyone wants me to be somebody else. I just want to be me... and I just want that to be ok.
     But what if who I am or who I choose to be is someone that no one ever wants. What if I am someone no one can ever understand? I feel like that. I am someone no one understands. And I am undecided on if that is a good thing or not.

     I feel like in many conversations with mixed company lately the topic of dating has been coming up more and more. It is a frustrating topic. Apparently I have some very strong feelings on the issue and I suppose that could be a good and bad thing. A boy in my ward though tonight, well, he pretty much summarized exactly how I have been feeling on the topic of dating lately and it is this... I want to date someone, be with someone, who makes me want to be better. I want to be with someone who has  similar desires of righteousness as me. I want to be with someone who encourages me to be all that I can be and I want to encourage him. I want to be with someone where we both go to church, and that if we end up getting married someday I won't be the one getting up sunday mornings alone. I want someone who is a good guy and strives to please the Lord.
      But once again, there seems to be a problem. I don't seem to meet people like that. Or maybe they just don't let me know they are like that?  Or the people I do meet that are like that never seem to be interested in me.
But, once again, I must ask; "why is it bad that I just ignore dating?" I just don't have time for it now... and I have a lot of time to wait. I am only twenty one.

     Lately I have been thinking. Just thinking of life. Where I am, where I have been, where I am going. I have thought about myself. Who I am. I am a reflective person. I like to try and think things out.

     I think there are so many things I have yet to learn. There are so many things I have done that I wish I hadn't. So many bridges burned that I wish I had just never walked over. and Yet I know that I have walked the path that I am on for a reason. I know that it leads to greener valleys and I am willing to journey on ward till I find them, where ever they may be.

I know its not an easy path that I will continue to venture on, but I am willing to face it.
You are welcome to join me. I promise to never let go if you grab my hand. I promise to help you if you help me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Can you see yourself through someone else's eyes?

And the words raced through my brain, like memories from long ago, haunting everything. "Have some faith, you are strong."
     But words are words. There is nothing there without action. So I hang my head now, for the things I have forgotten.
     I am strong. I see strength when I look in the mirror. But there are days I forget. There are times we all forget, just how strong we really are. But we can't dwell on days lived. We can't let them paint us old as we regret where we slipped and fell. We push on and learn. We remember our past as our future will tend to repeat itself.. If we let it, we have learned nothing. If we can change it, well, then we can see our strength and growth.
     Doubt destroys, faith fulfills. Pres. Monson said that. Why is it that I allow doubt to come in? Why is it that doubt can creep so easily and faith seems so much harder to grasp?
But on this side of the bridge I feel that doubt is nothing more than my fears. I can let them go. I can't see everything, true. Fog clouds my view here and there, but faith can carry me through it. I know that I will make it out. This path ends somewhere.

     The sun still shines my friends. You can see it, you can feel it. So why worry? "I wonder all the time why worry?" Have a little faith! The sun has never given into the night, it rises still everyday without fail. Somedays a little dimmer than others but still it comes out. What makes you any different?

     For all of you who ever doubted me, I can tell you now; I am living on my own. I am surviving all alone. and I am winning.  I still know who I am. I have not forgotten.
     Where are you? Who are you? Any clue?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

and there is so much you just don't know.

     I have found myself today, just wanting to get away. Just wanting to run or drive (or fly) to a beach or to the mountains where I can just hide away unharmed or bothered. I can read, think, write, sing... be free. I want to just get away, away from this. This everyday same old same old that repeats and repeats and drives me to believe that the only happiness I will ever find will be when my head hits my pillow at night.
     I have been trying to figure out where faith comes in. And I know where now. I know where it comes. It comes at times like this where I don't see the light. Where I can't see how taking this path will ever make me happy. But I push on with full trust. That is when my faith kicks in. That is where I let go of my doubts and my longing to control. Becuase I don't see how my future will work out. How my desires can ever be met. But I push on. I endure on.

"I tie my handle bars to the stars so I stay on track. "

I find myself in awe with the sky. Its endless and beautiful. Its holds so much mystery. The sky is so much greater than I may even hope to be and yet here I am, so important? so Significant? so they say... I feel so powerless.

I want to fly away. Away and be alone. Where not even you, yes you can find me. You who I don't know. You won't even find me. And I will sit and ponder the wonders of this earth and all that God has created. And when I'm done I will fly back home. Home. Home? I am not sure I know where that is. Where are you?

If you want to fly away with me, I may let you. Ask nicely. I am fragile.

Friday, July 23, 2010

our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

     This month has been awesome. I have a new job, as a preschool teacher at a day care called the Kids Connection. I teach two year olds. Its fantastic.
     My brother moved up here and I actually have a family. It makes me so happy. He is the best kid. He has such a kind heart and just a good soul about him. He is the kind of kid that when you meet him you have to be his friend. He is just so cool.
     I have had other family issues arise lately and I refuse to deal with them. I refuse to be a part of it any longer. It drains me. so I just am letting it go. I can't let it hurt me anymore than it already has.
     I have worked 55 hours this week. And I am in a 4 credit math class. I won't lie, I am stressed.
     I wish I could say I have myself all figured out. All I can say is that I am so busy that I have no time to figure anything out, and a sick part of me likes that.
A part of me is happy that any free time I have is spent doing homework or planning my lessons for the next few days.
     I am glad I don't have time to think about what happened a year ago. About what was said and not said and how things were dealt with. I am glad my thoughts do not have to return to those painful times, those times that I can't change but haunt. I am glad I am too busy.
     I am glad that I have a new job. I am glad I don't spend all my time at JOANN any longer. I am so glad I don;t have to deal with angry guests and a huge messy store. I am glad I don't have to call people in for shifts or train new people at the register. I am glad I don't have to deal with crazy schedules and long hours of being walked all over. I am glad I don't have to be somewhere all the time any longer  where I look out the window to see a car that reminds me of what I don't have and what (I know its twisted...) I am apparently not good enough for. ( I know thats not true, but that thought crosses my mind every now and than.)
I am too busy to notice that everyone I know is dating or likes someone or has someone they are pursuing or vice versa. I am too busy to notice that I do not. I am too busy to do any of that anyways, I don't want it.
I am way to consumed with my crazy life to notice that I lie to myself when I say that.
     I know that everything in my life is good. I have complete trust and faith in God. But I can't help the quiet whispers every now and then that sadden my spirit.
But I know! I KNOW.  In time its all going to work out. Things won't be so crazy and this lonely heart of mine will not seek for someone to understand it.
I have faith that I can't control my situation but I can control my attitude and how I will handle things. I have faith in myself and that I can handle anything. I can handle anything AND I can do so in a rational manner.
     I know all of this. But sometimes I just have to admit that I have moments of weakness. There are days I am sad. Days I am discouraged. Days I don't understand.
     I Just press on. Keep myself super busy... super super busy.
I am excited to see where My road ends up.

side notes... This music video makes me so happy.
Click here for happiness

Pretty sure I am totally that type of woman. or at least I would be If I needed to save brandon flowers. No questions asked I would take down ninjas.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Times, they are a changing.

I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.

Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.

Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.

Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.

I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
" my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"

want to hear the song?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Throwing away the letters that I am writing you, cause they would never do, I would never do.

The weather has been so beautiful lately. Hot, but beautiful.
I am keeping myself busy and surrounded by people. Time flies by.
I am in love with Viktor Frankl's philosophy.
Here are some quotes from him I Love :
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl 

I have been reading his book Man's search for meaning.  I absolutely love it. I am not quite done, but when I finish I will have to read it again becuase its so deep and full of great insight that rereading it will help me to understand it even more. There is so much in it to be learned.

I feel like his idea's of "changing yourself and your attitude becuase we can't change our situation", is something I have heard all my life and yet never believed. Which is foolish on my part really. I thought telling someone to choose to be happy was unkind and unsympathetic. How can some one choose to be happy when sadness is all around you? Shouldn't you just submit to what obviously the universe wants you to be? Doesn't trials, hard times and difficulties mean that God, the universe and/or Life hate you?
 It seemed ridiculous to me. But that is my inner child speaking, the one who doesn't understand how to deal with herself. Our mind is a marvelous thing. We have so much power over our attitudes which then has so much control over who we are and what we make of our situations. 
Difficult times are not life's way of saying you suck, give up! Rather it is Life's way of saying what can you become? What can you do with this? It is a challenge not a condemnation. 
We are in control of who we are and who we want to be.
I never realized this until recently. I never realized how different life can be when you just choose to submit to the hard times and still be happy. 
Life is so much different when I think "what am I to learn, how will I gain from this" verses "what have I done to deserve this".

There are days where we all feel down, life seems so uphill and we don't know what exactly we are living for. There are days I still forget that i am in charge of my attitude and my perceptions. 
But my challenge to myself is to not let those thoughts last too long. I hope to never give up. and to find the happiness, the meaning in everything that seems to have none. 
Life is relative to our attitude. It is what we make of it. Why would we want to make it miserable? Change is constant, and the change we can have inside ourselves should be as well. 

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Break the chains that bind you.

     Sometimes laughing with good friends will make all the difference in the world.
These past few weeks have been crazy. And honestly, the old me would have given up... thrown my hands in the air, screamed and hid under my blanket for a few days. Really and truely... that old me would have crawled in bed and called into work.
But I am the new me. I'm better wiser & a more stable me.
I did not throw up my hands and admit defeat.
     Lets be honest... I cannot control everything. This I know. I can't control lying boys, broken cars, angry guests, Broken phones, Certain people hating your existence, crazy family,  or tired aching (sore, possibly sprained) feet.
     I can't do anything to stop any of that. BUT I can control my attitude. Yes, I did just say that.
Its so true though. I have always laughed at the idiots who say that. My entire life I have mocked and heavily ridiculed those stupid people who have the audacity to say, "choose to be happy and you will be happy. Get over it and smile."
      I am in no way saying you can just tell your self to be happy and BAM you are. But I do think that the mind is powerful. And the way you react to your trials and misfortunes will determine the quality of your life.
     I have found peace and balance in my once crazy and dysfunctional life. I have found better ways to channel my hostile feelings and angst. I have a better perspective on life and where I am going.
I have come to know myself and know who I want to be. I know that this has helped me so that these past few weeks have not broken me.
I am actually more ok than I have been in.. well my entire life.
I like who I am and where I am.
     Its a way nice feeling, you should try it.

For any one who is interested here is a few highlights of my past few weeks...

     1) I had a "guest" argue with me about wanting to buy a bucket we had sitting on the floor collecting the rain water. It was filled with brown water and had a label on its bottom from 2008. Needless to say after much argument I gave in to the wench of a women and smiled watching her leave my store. I honestly Can't believe someone would fight a twenty one year old girl over a plastic bucket of brown rain water. I wonder what else she fights for.. Like does she go to Wal mart and fight for them to sell her their sanitary trash cans in the women's restroom stalls? I wouldn't put it past her.

     2) I was in winco, which is by far the most amazing place on earth. I was down an aisle with 3 of my girl friends. We were talking and laughing. I started to dance for them. I shook my hips in that way that girls do when they are showing how risqué they can be when no one is looking. We all giggled and went on our way.  As we were walking out, a man looking exactly like tiger woods (even his clothing) taps me on the shoulder. His deep voice paralyzes me as I realize what he is saying... "I saw you dancing." My eyes are the only thing  that moved at this point as I watch him walk away and then he looked back to smile. Needless to say I should not be allowed out in public.

     3) I went on a date. Yup. It was awesome in and of itself. My favorite parts included ME driving up to West Valley and then driving us on this "date".  We get up to the restaurant, and I am starving. As we get out he informs me that he does not have his wallet. I wanted to make him go get his wallet but I am too hungry and being in the car longer with him seems like a worse alternative. We sit down and he does not stop talking to save his life. If there is an odd silence He breaks it with a noise, little humming or random fact. There were no questions asked by him about me, just him talking/making noise.
     He was very nice and pleasant please don't get me wrong and YES I know... beggars can't be choosers, but there was something a bit strange about him. This was confirmed when as I was dropping him off he stayed seated in my car as long as possible going on about music or computers. Finally when it was time for him to get out he looks down the road and sees a kid on a bike, He then breaks out into an improvised song with lyrics like such, "there is a kid on a bike and he is coming towards us, kid on a bike and he is coming towards us. Kid on a bike. kid on a bike... kid on a bike. And he passed us."
 I don't think we will be going out again anytime soon.

4) My mom called me today to ask if I want her to buy me some of the contacts she found at the dollar store. Don't worry they are not a dollar. They are 15$. and they have 85 different colors to choose from. My mom recommends the bright green or aqua. She is contemplating the purple too. Though the zebra stripes are her favorite. I really should get some...
Not exactly sure what else to say about this... I don't know if I should question the fact that she is buying contacts from the dollar store or if I should bring up the fact that she should not be wasting her hard earned disability/retirement money on such fun and entertaining ( and probably hazardous) accessories.
But, as she put it, Don't you just really get sick of your eye color sometimes?

I have about a billion other awesome stories of fun but I think that is all for tonight.
I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that life is good.
Hard times, crazy times, and difficult times make the good stories that i can smile about and retell saying, "Heck yes... I survived."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

and I will be honest if you listen.

I am avoiding doing my paper that is due in 8 hours.

I wish you were here to distract me. Its been three days since we talked.
... you know I miss you.
I miss my best friend.

My roommate and I talked about expectations tonight. How we always expect everyone to disappoint us. Becuase everyone always will.
BUT if we go about always expecting the worse in people they will sense that and it will push them away.
I thought that was interesting. I am pretty sure that explains so many of my failed relationships. My doubts, my concerns... the fact that I am just waiting for the letdown, the heart break.
I never seemed to just let it go.

I wish I had.
But life cannot be lived in the past, or the wouldhaves and couldhaves that seem to plague our memories.
We can not allow ourselves to become haunted by thoughts of "if I only knew then..."
The past is the past for a reason. Its not coming back. There are no second chances, people never let you try again. As sad as that is.
All you can do is know for next time.
and smile.
smile that you learned and that life still has more to teach ya.
That is all a trial is right? Life and God teaching us.
Apparently I am pretty dumb ;)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

you don't care

you walk away.
So willing to let this; to let me go.

reminds me of many other relationships that ended similarly...

what do I do so wrong?
I know the answer.

I always just push away till I know there is no rescue.

There is no rescue for one like me.

Love is just another four letter word...

Lets be honest with our selves...
Who could deal with me any how...
who really would want to if they had any other option?

Lets just push on. Another day.
I got this. Don't fret, don't you worry.
Im ok, I am happy.
I got this for next time right?
I know who I am... and I like who I am. I have more confidence.
Maybe that will make all the difference the next time...
the next time.... very far away from now.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

hit me with your best shot.

I really hate dreams.
They are horrible when you finally realize the happiness you are feeling is all in your head and that none of the past thirty minutes has been real.
Its a smack in the face every time.
I hate dreams.

I have to start catching on. Every time I dream I should start to realize this is too good to be true... this is too far fetched. But in a dream You don't realize that, until you are already so happy and involved in the dream... and then you just sit back for the let down. again and again.

sleep is supposed to be a nice escape from daily life, a time to rest and rejuvenate. and yet at times it feels like torture.

But I am strong.

Real life is not bad. I am quite happy with where I am at.
I am very happy actually...
I just don't need dreams.... to try and bring me back down.
I really like where I am.

I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.
But I'm not. I like where I am, I am just patiently waiting for the future.

How could I not like where I am...? I have such amazing blessings in my life.
Good friends, a major, a job, a great church that gives me hope and meaning.
Honestly... I am happy and I am no way complaining of my dreams in hopes to say my real life happiness is counterfeit. Becuase its not.
I simply say that my dreams are unnecessary and annoying.

Monday, May 17, 2010

shot through the heart, and you're too late

Ever have those days where you want to go to bed and never wake up?
I have them a lot. But today I chose to go talk to my friend, instead of admitting defeat. I feel a million times better.
I was able to see where I am in life, how I got here and this far... and That I am doing great.
I am so glad.
I am so grateful to God for how far I have come.
I know I am young, what do I really know about life?
But I know that I have been through a lot for my young age.
And I have come out alive, and kicking.

I am very happy right now, and grateful for all I know.
This is a short pointless post... but it needed to be said.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

every cowboy sings their sad sad song.

I don't think I know what you mean to me... You are a great friend. and I know you feel like you live in the shadow of my ex. which may be true.
I don't think relationships are meant for me right now...
because I don't seem to understand myself or my feelings.

I just know that no one has every been so nice, forgiving, kind, loving and understanding as you are to me.
You are one in a million.
and yet I choose to be alone.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Stop what you cannot control

I spent my day at rock canyon elementary school where I hung out in kindergarten for 3 hours and fourth grade for 2 and a half.
I went on a teddy bear picnic and learned that who ever made that horrible song (you tube the teddy bears picnic to be clued in for this one folks)... obviously knew how to write one heck of a song. I came home immediately and sang it to my roommate who probably now thinks I am crazy... ( I am).
Also... kindergartners in utah are very much more advanced than my classmates and I were at their age. They are reading books.. some even chapter books. I was so impressed.
Music class though was a little interesting. The kids ran around singing to each other as they played certain games... AND for five year olds they all sang pretty good... especially the brave ones that had to sing solos at times.
Fourth graders are also a lot of fun. I have a special place in my heart for the 4th grade. I loved my teacher in 4th grade, Mrs. Jacobs. 

The lady I observed today was awesome. Her kids put on puppet shows which were so amazing and well done... and some kids sang queen which made me smile.
I then watched as she taught them about ART! YES ART! and real artists. They painted a flower today just like who class? and they raised their little hands and squealed as they answered "Okeefe!". yes very good class. Remember we learned about her in AUGUST! And they had paintings on the wall after Chagall and writing on the board said they had discussed Picasso. I was so impressed and pleased.
Yes... today was an awesome day and I can't wait to be a teacher.

I am so happy to have a goal in life. A direction.

I hate to admit it but it needs to be done... my thoughts always come back to you. and I feel so stuck, in a place I don't want to be, holding on to nothing but dreams and disillusioned memories that I made up to be something that they never were.
You live a life in which I do not exist and never will.
I don't understand why Its not that easy for me.
I try so hard.
Everyone thinks I want to feel like this.

I live for myself, and for God.
Everything is good.
I like where I am at.

...for the most part.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

definition of Irony.

I had my final today for my creative writing class. I chose to write a lot of pieces about my ex boyfriend, we will say his name is Steve. Steve left me 8 months ago and has never looked back. I have not heard a word from him and I have spent many a nights crying over how someone so close to you can simply leave. I have since been able to find closure. I owe a great deal of this closure to my writing for my class. i have been able to channel my feelings into words on paper and I feel they have turned out quite wonderful.
So today I arrived a bit behind schedule to the free parking lot at school. I saw the shuttle starting to leave the lot so I slammed the doors to my car and hauled my exceptionally heavy backpack over my shoulder, all the while carrying two awkward large boxes filled with pepperoni pizza. 
I caught up with the shuttle as it is at the stop sign preparing to turn on to oncoming traffic. I wave dramatically with my free hand and plea with the driver to open his doors.
He was very kind... and actually did. I stepped inside to see many faces staring at me. I felt pretty silly as I slid between two girls near the front of the bus. I was laughing. Trying to make conversation with someone... but everyone kept looking at me as if I was crazy. So I kept to myself tapping on my pizza boxes.
The shuttle stopped and a lot of people got off. I sighed, set down my pizzas and started to fumble through my back pack like a crazy.
I was still laughing and muttering under my breath to my self. I finally relaxed and started to look around the bus...
There at the back, averting his eyes, ignoring (like I would have excepted) my existence, was Steve.
I smiled to myself.
OF COARSE he is on the shuttle where I look like a maniac. OF COARSE the only time I see him this semester is here, now, with me looking ridiculous and while I am carrying a bunch of paper work in my back pack, revealing my feelings about him.
I get off at the same stop as him, and I plow ahead trying not to look back.
I was still laughing at how hilarious God is sometimes as I walked in to my final.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A poem I wrote

I have to write a bunch of stuff for my final project for class...
Here is one of the things I wrote.

A Million Pieces of Me
My trembling hands
 reached forward
 as I laid my story out,
 for him to see.
But my grip slipped.
He flew away then,
Before I could even breathe.
His eyes grew into thin lines
and never looked at me
the same way again.
“We can work this out”
“Let’s start over”
“I messed up, 
I’m sorry”
I cried violently into the wind
that only carried him
 further away.
I became a million pieces
all longing for his return.
So here you are with glue, tape
and no experience,
trying to figure out 
his demolished creation
called me.

Monday, April 19, 2010

and so they say it again and again

They say I am pathetic. They say I live in the past... I am sad for not moving on...for being so stupid.
They say I am pathetic.
But look at where I have been... Step in to my worn out shoes and tell me please as you lace up the lead filled laces if they are uncomfortable for you.
Tell me if as you trot down the paths filled with boulders and thorns if you think its really that pathetic to hold on to better times?
Yes I know to want what once was is wrong... and I see where I fault. I see where I am as you say, irrational. Where I am silly and dumb.
But its hard to move on from a story thats end was so unfinished... a story that was left with such loose ends.
I am trying my best in all that I do, and sometimes Its sucks when no one else see's that.

But here is the thing my dear friend... I don't care that you don't see where I have come from and how much better I am now. I don't care that you think I am pathetic and lost and a loser holding on to nothing...
I see myself as a survivor... who is human. Who occasionally messes up and makes mistakes But I am a survivor. I am strong. and I don't need your approval.
I know that I may disappoint but maybe you just don't understand me.
If you did, you would sit and listen to me cry, instead of pushing me away and causing more tears to fall.
Don't worry, I don;t blame you really... you just don't know me. No one does.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

All I wanted was you

"What do you do when you live in a zoo?" I was asked that the other day. He said his mom said that all the time while he was growing up. It brought a smile to my face thinking of him, just as right now I am smiling thinking of him.
Why is it that I can't be with him right now? Timing.
My past two relationships have taught me that timing is everything.
If its not the right time then you just move forward and pray to God that the next time it will be. But God has his own plans, and if he says its not right then you just trust... and pray that through the pain of loss, loneliness and heartache you will one day fine true happiness and love.

Lately I realized I have been longing for some closure. I know i'll never get it. And I know things will never be like they are in your memory. Its hard when you realize that people move on and become happy and that happened before I was happy and moved on. And that kind of hurt a lot.

I realized that when it comes to figuring out what I want to do for a major I just need to focus on what brings me the most happiness, and honestly I am still not sure. But I am getting closer.

I know that I like who I am. I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. I used to say,"well if he wants me to be like this, or act like this... i'll change." But I am who I am.
and I am not changing.

I need to do something therapeutic, like jump off a tall bridge into water, or color my hair... something to change it up. I am not the type of person who sits around with routine very well.
Routine frustrates me.

I just keep smiling.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Social. As. I. Get.

     I Love days like today. It is sunny and I am wearing a short sleeved shirt... My spirits are high and nothing can seem to get me down. Spring break starts tomorrow and my biology class is canceled due to that. So I am in the library at UVU waiting for my "study buddy" to get here to finish our test.
     I took a career placement test today and I meet with someone next week to talk about the results. I am pleased with that. I need to figure out some type of road map for my life.
     There is a big hill on campus that is quite steep. My theatre friends and myself took to sliding down it today after class. The bottom is very close to the street and some cars would slow down or stop becuase they were afraid of running our free falling flailing bodies over.
It was awesome and when I upload the pictures, maybe I will post some on here.
     Even with all the stress that the end of the semester is closer than I realize, I am genuinely happy and have a smile on my face. I am ready for the winter to end. I am ready for a new chapter in my life and for some reason spring seems to represent a new chapter, a new life, a new beginning for me.
     I have come so far from last year at this time. I am so much more comfortable with myself and pleased with where I am and where I am going.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

you can tell, look at your face.

I have a lot of random thoughts going on in my head right now.
I just need to type it here so it can get off my chest.
Maybe If I type this, It will make sense and it can stop bugging me.

     I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How I miss him and blah blah blah.
... But here is the thing. I miss the way he treated me, the way were together... who he was with me... who I saw in him. I know he is not perfect. Actually, he see's himself as this evil jerk and Its sad becuase I never saw any of that in him. I saw this amazing, witty, clever, passionate guy who really can do anything. And he saw the best in me. I loved being with him becuase through our relationship, I saw what he saw in me... and the things about myself I didn't like, he helped me see that I could change them. He helped me see that I am so much more than what I had ever thought. He is a huge reason that I actually like who I am. I will forever be grateful for him.
     Maybe that is it... I am looking for someone who see's in me what he saw in me. For someone who is willing to take a risk on me. Every guy in my life right now looks at me as a friend or as not worth the risk. Which is fine, kinda funny really. They come to me and talk about other girls and their lives and such. And I am grateful to have awesome friends. But truth be told no one in my life has impacted me, has changed me, or even come close to being anything what my ex was to me.
     I hate that I have this memory in my mind that everyone has to measure up to now. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances... I am not one to write any one off but still. What he was to me and what he did for me... well, it changed my life. And people say, "You barely dated... get over it." I am over him, but I am not, I suppose over it... becuase what he did for me. What he was for me. I loved who I was with him.
     I do want to address that I knew he wasn't perfect. Many people try to say I idealized him. Which I have been trying very hard not to do. He had and has I suppose (I don't know him anymore) many faults. As we all do. Like I mentioned above, he saw himself as this horrible person... and maybe he is what he thinks.  I just think its sad, becuase I saw all his good traits and they overshadowed his faults. He "weakness" didn't seem to matter so much.
     Something I never got to tell him was that I never meant to hurt him, I was doing what I thought was right (and it was right for me at that time), I know that he is an amazing guy, who has gone through a lot and come out even stronger. I respect him for all he has gone through and for who I knew him to be.
     I don't know if he knew, but I hope he did, that I didn't love him becuase I loved and had a good relationship with his parents. I sometimes wondered if he thought that. Had their son been anyone else, I would have not fallen for him. I had never intended to fall for him. I had it in my mind that I was never allowed to. I was waiting for my missionary for crying out loud! But him and I fit together so perfectly, I was so comfortable around him and I felt like we were on the same page with everything... I couldn't help but fall.
      I do acknowledge that it was very soon after his mission. That most definitly was a factor in why it didn't work. We were both young and needed to grow. I knew that, that is why I don't regret breaking up with him. It was the right choice given the circumstances. I do regret that I was so indecisive and that I could't let go and trust the Lord. I understand, and do not blame him for leaving me and for no longer talking to me. I was clingy, needy, and couldn't just leave things up to the Lord. And that pushed him away and ruined any chance of any reconciliation. I wish I had been stronger, but now I am. Now I know better... and my trust lies fully in the hands of God. I know that he directs my life and he will not give me happiness only to take it away forever. As I remain faithful, I know with all of my heart I will be blessed. It may not be in my time bracket or in how I expect at the time... but I will be happy. I know that with every fiber of my being.
     My deepest secret and selfish desire is that I hope one day my ex and I will be friends again. And we can go for a long car ride and talk about how happy we are with where are lives have taken us. My prayer is that he is happy becuase he deserves that.
     I know we may never be a couple again, but I guess, I write this to publicly tell all 3 people who actually read this, that I know he is an awesome guy and I look back on his memory with no regret, but rather with gratitude for who he helped me to become.  I owe a lot to him. I truly loved him... I didn't know love, real love, until I met him. I am so glad I have felt that wonderful sensation.

I owe all I am to the Lord, and I am grateful that this path I am on is being directed by him. I know that no matter what trails lie ahead for me, things will be ok. Adversity is for my benefit. I am stronger becuase of all I have been through.

Writing this has been very therapeutic. I am glad I did. I needed this closure for myself.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Its not really a surprise

 I have been feeling a lot happier lately. I owe that to my church attendance, reading scriptures and more positive outlook. I was having such a bad time. I kept loathing myself and finding silly things to freak out over and I was mad about things that are out of my control. But I am better now. I am breathing.
I started talking to some boy, because that is what you do as a single person right? I invested interest, and last night things got kind of dramatic because of miscommunications, (not either of our faults) but after wards him and I talked and it was nice to hear we are both on the same page about things.  BUT, (isn't there always a but)... He told me about this girl that he "used" to date, who He loved. He had wrote her on his mission. He is now talking to her still, and He told me how if the chance arose he would drop everything to date her. I do not judge him or blame him at all. ... I know the feeling all to well actually. Lucky for him he talks to his ex. He is still friends and there might actually be a chance with the person who he thinks is best for him.... anyways, my point; I don't want to date, invest time and energy in someone, who is in love with someone else. Who holds some one else in high esteem and I can never be that person ( and i must note that I don't even know him so I don't know If I would even want to be... but just saying).
Any ways, I still also hold new relationships, new meetings of males, to my past relationship. I am looking for something like what I felt with my ex. Is that bad? I don't think so. I am not holding on to my ex. I am not in love with him still. I just appreciate what we had and I know I want something like that some day. 
(The only bitterness I have is that he never told me what I did, he just left. Never spoke to me. Broke all his promises and didn't want to give me a chance to change or be forgiven for hurting him. ) ...OH hahaha... none of that matters. All that matters is that I have learned a great deal from all this. 
Why is dating so important around here? I am really happy alone. I know the right guy will come along in time. and until then... some one PLEASE help me choose a major!
I did a short skit in my theatre class today and realized how much I miss acting....
Who knows If I will follow that feeling. But That right now is what I am focusing on... ME. WHAT DO I WANT?  .... I have no idea.....      ok Janelle.... time to find out. :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

and when the timing is right, to sneak out into night

Yesterday was not a super fun day. I had school from 10am until 8:30pm.
I went to lunch with my friend who is getting married and that was wonderful. She is awesome and she lifted my spirits.
But my last class at 6 is philosophy. I got my mid term back and it was a B-. Not what I was expecting. I was disappointed. Then a bunch of other stuff occurred, and I became very depressed. I was sitting in my class holding back tears, I was so overwhelmed.
My friend in that class gave me a ride. He could tell I was upset and kept asking if I was ok. I couldn't talk about it. But it was really nice that he cared. It made me feel very loved.
I went home, sat on bed and collected myself.
I went downstairs and my roommates made me laugh, and smile so I started to feel better.
BUT what really made my night, was my dear friend came over, made me brownies and ice cream and helped me with my biology. He is the nicest guy alive. And he will probably never realize how what he did for me changed my entire night. He is awesome. I don't even think he knows. And when he meets the right girl, one worth the risk ha ha, he is going to be such a good boyfriend. I can tell. He is such a caring and awesome friend.

So, now I am off to work. I have wasted my day today. Tomorrow I will be better.

go ahead. do it.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

and I knew you could never forget me

     I am so grateful for the blessings that God gives me. Hands down, I don't recognize how much I really have enough.  And honestly, its terrible. I have a really awesome life.
I came home from a night of work to find that my roommate had cleaned and vacuumed my room. To some this may not sound like a big deal, but my room is well, the most disgusting place on earth. It must have taken her 4 hours, easy! But she would't tell me, she just smiled and apologized if things were out of place. She is amazing and wonderful. I am so blessed.
     And having the best roommate ever isn't my only blessing but it is one of them. I just was thinking tonight about how I don't recognize how much God does for me. I find myself complaining more often than not about things that I don't have, or I think I need. I don't take enough time to just smile and realize that my life is great. Things are under control. The Lord has a plan for me and he is aware of my situation.
     Sometimes its hard to put all your trust in God, and be confident that the best things will come in the future for you. I hate not knowing the future. These past few years that has been one of my many struggles; trusting God when I cannot see the future.

     I had a great day today. Work was busy but not bad. No one yelled too bad at me.(BAM ...blessing... see how many there are?!)
My room was magically cleaned.
This cute guy asked me to hang out, and I enjoyed myself. He probably won't call again, but still not bad.
I got most of my home work done.

     So yeah, there are days I cry and scream and complain that things suck and don't make sense. And there are times I want to yell and say I am alone. Life is not fair... But at those times, I need to realize that          I am ok. Things are not as bad as I think.
     I need to remember that.
     I some how always forget.

Monday, March 1, 2010

someday I know it will all turn out

Last night was way awesome. I was invited to dinner with some people in my ward. They are two really awesome, smart and funny girls. I enjoyed their company immensely. Though I will say I am slightly intimidated by them. I hope to go over again soon.

On a different note, I am constantly soo busy and I feel bad when I can't hang out with everyone that I want to. But school is hard, and work is well, demanding. I have been sick and my hours are slim so I know I am going to start hurting soon. I hate that. I want to buy a car, I just keep praying it will work out you know?
I am still sick and I hate it. I think its going away though. My right tonsil is swollen and has mucus all over it. It looks quite revolting.

I have been doing home work all morning and I told work I would be in an hour later so I could do home work and also so I could sleep a little more. I keep hoping that the more I sleep the sooner I will get better.
I have been doing more creative writing work. I have a lot in my repertoire now.
Here is one I turned in a few weeks ago.


This is the path I never wanted to take,
one I never expected to be on.
Yet I keep walking the dusty road,
over the rigid rocks and boulders,
through the sharp edged tumble weeds,
underneath the blistering summer sky.

She walks a path I would have chosen,
one that I am unable to be on.
The paved even ground underneath
carries her safely through.
While gigantic oaks shade her trail
she, smiling, carries on her way.

I envy her as she strolls along effortlessly
while I grab onto barren branches
desperately trying to brace myself before I fall.
As I look at my worn shoes and deep cuts,
my torn clothing and shaking hands,
I see the path I have tread...and how far I have come.

My teacher says that it is very prosy. I agree. i need to figure out how to fix that. It was an exercise in imagery. She says I should make it longer. Go in more depth. I just need to figure out what exactly I should do with it.

And now I am off to work.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

but what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight

The problem with silly movies all about love... is they make you miss what you don't have, and don't really want.
or at least what you tell your self you don't want... because let's be honest, we all want love.

I saw some sappy love movie tonight. It was funny and I laughed. After it I felt totally fine. I was apathetic towards love and just happy to be at the movie with friends.
Kevin looked at me, "well, the problem with romance movies is now we all will cry our selves to sleep knowing we will never have that..."

Just what i wanted to hear.

But then, I thought about it. You know what... I AM NOT DEPRESSED! I feel like I should be or something.. BUT I AM NOT!
Life is so much more then crying over who wants me and who doesn't.
Life is about me and the Lord. As long as I live my life doing what makes him happy and me happy... well It will all work out in the end.
I am not even worried.
and I am loving my life. All my moments of being what I am, and being able to discover who I am.
Because I am a pretty awesome person, and its sad It has taken me twenty one years to finally believe that.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I need to be there, some where. In your arms?

I like the days where time goes by fast at work.
I like the days where its not so hot that we are sweating but not cold enough to need a heavy jacket.
I like the days when I feel important at work, and I feel like I achieved something.
I like the days when I don't get yelled at by anyone for not letting them use a coupon or having a long line at the registers.
I like the days when my family issues don't seem to bug me at all.
I like the days when good songs play at the radio at work.
I like when my roommates are all gone and I can take a shower, listen to bob dylan and be by myself.
I like the days when I don't think of lost love.
I like the days when I am not overwhelmed with mass amounts of homework.
I like the days that I have interesting conversations with strangers on the bus.

I have to find the positive things in my days. It seems like I dwell on the bad, which is understandable... it is easier to do sometimes. But all days are good days when i focus on what went well. yeah, I know that sounds cheesy. But it works for me.

I am not a fan of love, relationships, dating. I just am not a fan.
I am very well off on my own.
Maybe someday... But definitely not now. I am too happy being alone, and enjoying my free time and alone time.
maybe I am selfish?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

maybe its just my thought process

I hate to be sick. I hate feeling like such a waste. Wanting so badly to get up, do homework, go to school and or work.. and yet my body seems unable to anything but lie in bed and ache.
I have not been sick since .. well june when I had the swine flu. And my biggest problem was realizing that and saying it out loud... as soon as I did that I jinxed myself... and here I am.

Other than that I am busy with school and work. I hate work. I hate the place I work and everyday is a miserable experience. But I go anyways... you know to pay the bills.
I love school. I like to learn and meet people. I like to interact with others and have conversations in which I feel intelligent and well, sometimes even cool. yes, I sometimes feel cool. Even though I know I am not what webster's dictionary would describe as such.
none the less... I enjoy school.

I often ask myself, why am I still unhappy?
I have a great religion that gives me hope, I have school, I have friends... why is it that sometimes I find it hard to smile?
I think its because I have not forgiven myself... I need to do that.
You see a few months back, I had a great guy in my life who I loved very much. But I pushed him away... like I have done to a lot of guys... But for some reason... I can't seem to let this go. I can't seem to forgive myself.
I figure I will in time. It gets easier as time goes on and such... But in the back of my head I keep blaming myself for ruining something that was really great.
and I suppose that is where my problem is... I just need to realize its all in the Lords hands. Trust him and move on.
and I do...
Its just well, you know... the days where I miss...
anyways the point is...
I have a great life. I am a lucky girl.

I have learned a lot in my life, especially lately. Things are not easy, but I get by.
and I am Happy. Happy for all I have.
and I am blessed to be who I am.

what else can you ask for?