Friday, November 2, 2012

Look past the darkness

I am not sure who reads this anymore.. I think becuase I have my "family" blog now that not many people do.
I am ok with that.
Becuase I need a place to write. I need a place to express this journey that I am going through right now without the fear of being judged or harassed.

Depression is real. I wish I knew more people who suffered from it so maybe then I could have someone to relate to. Someone to talk to. Someone to tell me that they have survived it.

I thought I had gotten through the worst. Back when I was 13 all I had was pills. I was thrown every pill you could imagine. Then at 20 I decided that pills were not for me. I went to talk therapy. I felt so much better. I met my husband. Fell in love. Got married. Had a baby.

Now I find myself back in this darkness. I feel as if sadness won't let me be. I feel guilty for being sad becuase when I take an inventory of my life I realize I have every reason to be happy. I have every reason to smile and laugh...
Some moments I am fine. Some moments I am happy and I can go out face the world.
Other moments I feel so consumed with anxiety, self doubt and just plain sadness. Tears fall and won't leave.
I have tried to fight this. My doctor gave me more medicine... nothing I hadn't taken before. I felt like I was taking a million steps backwards. I was reverting back to pills. I felt as if they were masking my problems. Whatever my problems are.

That is what is so difficult with true depression. It is so hard to actually see what is causing you to be sad. You just feel so low. So unhappy.
The guilt is so horrible too. The guilt I feel when I realize that I have no reason to feel sad. When sure maybe when I was younger my sadness was understood becuase I had a pretty screwed up life but now things are better. Things are great. I should be smiling and dancing even and yet I am stuck in this rut of confusion where there doesn't seem to be any answers on how to survive here.
My younger self would be so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

Some one who has true depression can't just be told to "snap" out of it. I know that. But I want so badly to snap out of this. I want there to be a pill that will take away my hatred of myself, of my guilt, of my sadness.

I know I need to see a counselor. I am going next wednesday.
I need to remember that darkness can't control me. I need to look at the miracle that I have in front of me everyday... my smiling daughter. I need to realize how loved I am. How wonderful life is. How the sunshine is bright despite the doubts in my head that say there is only darkness forever.
I can grasp onto the hope that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I need to let that knowledge bring me through this journey right now. My daughter deserves a happy mother.

I wish I knew that I wasn't the only person who has ever felt this way.
Maybe I am the only person who has ever felt this way.

I have to look through the clouds of confusion, doubt and horribly binding sadness and see that I am never truly alone. There is a God. I know that. Even if depression makes it harder to feel his love... i need to remember that he is there. He has always been there and he will never leave me.

I need to smile. I need to laugh. I need to face the fact that things will get better.

I just need to keep trudging along. I am strong... I can do this.
I hope.