Sunday, May 23, 2010

hit me with your best shot.

I really hate dreams.
They are horrible when you finally realize the happiness you are feeling is all in your head and that none of the past thirty minutes has been real.
Its a smack in the face every time.
I hate dreams.

I have to start catching on. Every time I dream I should start to realize this is too good to be true... this is too far fetched. But in a dream You don't realize that, until you are already so happy and involved in the dream... and then you just sit back for the let down. again and again.

sleep is supposed to be a nice escape from daily life, a time to rest and rejuvenate. and yet at times it feels like torture.

But I am strong.

Real life is not bad. I am quite happy with where I am at.
I am very happy actually...
I just don't need dreams.... to try and bring me back down.
I really like where I am.

I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.
But I'm not. I like where I am, I am just patiently waiting for the future.

How could I not like where I am...? I have such amazing blessings in my life.
Good friends, a major, a job, a great church that gives me hope and meaning.
Honestly... I am happy and I am no way complaining of my dreams in hopes to say my real life happiness is counterfeit. Becuase its not.
I simply say that my dreams are unnecessary and annoying.

Monday, May 17, 2010

shot through the heart, and you're too late

Ever have those days where you want to go to bed and never wake up?
I have them a lot. But today I chose to go talk to my friend, instead of admitting defeat. I feel a million times better.
I was able to see where I am in life, how I got here and this far... and That I am doing great.
I am so glad.
I am so grateful to God for how far I have come.
I know I am young, what do I really know about life?
But I know that I have been through a lot for my young age.
And I have come out alive, and kicking.

I am very happy right now, and grateful for all I know.
This is a short pointless post... but it needed to be said.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

every cowboy sings their sad sad song.

I don't think I know what you mean to me... You are a great friend. and I know you feel like you live in the shadow of my ex. which may be true.
I don't think relationships are meant for me right now...
because I don't seem to understand myself or my feelings.

I just know that no one has every been so nice, forgiving, kind, loving and understanding as you are to me.
You are one in a million.
and yet I choose to be alone.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Stop what you cannot control

I spent my day at rock canyon elementary school where I hung out in kindergarten for 3 hours and fourth grade for 2 and a half.
I went on a teddy bear picnic and learned that who ever made that horrible song (you tube the teddy bears picnic to be clued in for this one folks)... obviously knew how to write one heck of a song. I came home immediately and sang it to my roommate who probably now thinks I am crazy... ( I am).
Also... kindergartners in utah are very much more advanced than my classmates and I were at their age. They are reading books.. some even chapter books. I was so impressed.
Music class though was a little interesting. The kids ran around singing to each other as they played certain games... AND for five year olds they all sang pretty good... especially the brave ones that had to sing solos at times.
Fourth graders are also a lot of fun. I have a special place in my heart for the 4th grade. I loved my teacher in 4th grade, Mrs. Jacobs. 

The lady I observed today was awesome. Her kids put on puppet shows which were so amazing and well done... and some kids sang queen which made me smile.
I then watched as she taught them about ART! YES ART! and real artists. They painted a flower today just like who class? and they raised their little hands and squealed as they answered "Okeefe!". yes very good class. Remember we learned about her in AUGUST! And they had paintings on the wall after Chagall and writing on the board said they had discussed Picasso. I was so impressed and pleased.
Yes... today was an awesome day and I can't wait to be a teacher.

I am so happy to have a goal in life. A direction.

I hate to admit it but it needs to be done... my thoughts always come back to you. and I feel so stuck, in a place I don't want to be, holding on to nothing but dreams and disillusioned memories that I made up to be something that they never were.
You live a life in which I do not exist and never will.
I don't understand why Its not that easy for me.
I try so hard.
Everyone thinks I want to feel like this.

I live for myself, and for God.
Everything is good.
I like where I am at.

...for the most part.