This month has been awesome. I have a new job, as a preschool teacher at a day care called the Kids Connection. I teach two year olds. Its fantastic.
My brother moved up here and I actually have a family. It makes me so happy. He is the best kid. He has such a kind heart and just a good soul about him. He is the kind of kid that when you meet him you have to be his friend. He is just so cool.
I have had other family issues arise lately and I refuse to deal with them. I refuse to be a part of it any longer. It drains me. so I just am letting it go. I can't let it hurt me anymore than it already has.
I have worked 55 hours this week. And I am in a 4 credit math class. I won't lie, I am stressed.
I wish I could say I have myself all figured out. All I can say is that I am so busy that I have no time to figure anything out, and a sick part of me likes that.
A part of me is happy that any free time I have is spent doing homework or planning my lessons for the next few days.
I am glad I don't have time to think about what happened a year ago. About what was said and not said and how things were dealt with. I am glad my thoughts do not have to return to those painful times, those times that I can't change but haunt. I am glad I am too busy.
I am glad that I have a new job. I am glad I don't spend all my time at JOANN any longer. I am so glad I don;t have to deal with angry guests and a huge messy store. I am glad I don't have to call people in for shifts or train new people at the register. I am glad I don't have to deal with crazy schedules and long hours of being walked all over. I am glad I don't have to be somewhere all the time any longer where I look out the window to see a car that reminds me of what I don't have and what (I know its twisted...) I am apparently not good enough for. ( I know thats not true, but that thought crosses my mind every now and than.)
I am too busy to notice that everyone I know is dating or likes someone or has someone they are pursuing or vice versa. I am too busy to notice that I do not. I am too busy to do any of that anyways, I don't want it.
I am way to consumed with my crazy life to notice that I lie to myself when I say that.
I know that everything in my life is good. I have complete trust and faith in God. But I can't help the quiet whispers every now and then that sadden my spirit.
But I know! I KNOW. In time its all going to work out. Things won't be so crazy and this lonely heart of mine will not seek for someone to understand it.
I have faith that I can't control my situation but I can control my attitude and how I will handle things. I have faith in myself and that I can handle anything. I can handle anything AND I can do so in a rational manner.
I know all of this. But sometimes I just have to admit that I have moments of weakness. There are days I am sad. Days I am discouraged. Days I don't understand.
I Just press on. Keep myself super busy... super super busy.
I am excited to see where My road ends up.
I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.
Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.
Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.
Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.
I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
"...play my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"
My name is Janelle.
I suffer from depression. I have since I was 12. This blog is my outlet. My thoughts and ideas on how I handle everyday life. It is not a blog to have people feel sorry for me... actually most people I know don't know about this blog. This is just a place for me to express my thoughts in hopes that I can get better and be the best mom, wife, and friend that I can be.
Many people suffer from depression... maybe someone will read this things and learn something from me.
I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever met. It took me a while to find him, but he is worth everything i went through just to find him.
I am a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love my religion with all my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly. She is my world.
I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his eternal plan. I am so glad that I have this life. I have had many trials and many more are sure to come but God will help me all the way