The problem with silly movies all about love... is they make you miss what you don't have, and don't really want. or at least what you tell your self you don't want... because let's be honest, we all want love.
I saw some sappy love movie tonight. It was funny and I laughed. After it I felt totally fine. I was apathetic towards love and just happy to be at the movie with friends. Kevin looked at me, "well, the problem with romance movies is now we all will cry our selves to sleep knowing we will never have that..." ...
wonderful. Just what i wanted to hear.
But then, I thought about it. You know what... I AM NOT DEPRESSED! I feel like I should be or something.. BUT I AM NOT! Life is so much more then crying over who wants me and who doesn't. Life is about me and the Lord. As long as I live my life doing what makes him happy and me happy... well It will all work out in the end. I am not even worried. and I am loving my life. All my moments of being what I am, and being able to discover who I am. Because I am a pretty awesome person, and its sad It has taken me twenty one years to finally believe that.
I like the days where time goes by fast at work.
I like the days where its not so hot that we are sweating but not cold enough to need a heavy jacket.
I like the days when I feel important at work, and I feel like I achieved something.
I like the days when I don't get yelled at by anyone for not letting them use a coupon or having a long line at the registers.
I like the days when my family issues don't seem to bug me at all.
I like the days when good songs play at the radio at work.
I like when my roommates are all gone and I can take a shower, listen to bob dylan and be by myself.
I like the days when I don't think of lost love.
I like the days when I am not overwhelmed with mass amounts of homework.
I like the days that I have interesting conversations with strangers on the bus.
I have to find the positive things in my days. It seems like I dwell on the bad, which is understandable... it is easier to do sometimes. But all days are good days when i focus on what went well. yeah, I know that sounds cheesy. But it works for me.
I am not a fan of love, relationships, dating. I just am not a fan.
I am very well off on my own.
Maybe someday... But definitely not now. I am too happy being alone, and enjoying my free time and alone time.
maybe I am selfish?
I hate to be sick. I hate feeling like such a waste. Wanting so badly to get up, do homework, go to school and or work.. and yet my body seems unable to anything but lie in bed and ache.
I have not been sick since .. well june when I had the swine flu. And my biggest problem was realizing that and saying it out loud... as soon as I did that I jinxed myself... and here I am.
Other than that I am busy with school and work. I hate work. I hate the place I work and everyday is a miserable experience. But I go anyways... you know to pay the bills.
I love school. I like to learn and meet people. I like to interact with others and have conversations in which I feel intelligent and well, sometimes even cool. yes, I sometimes feel cool. Even though I know I am not what webster's dictionary would describe as such.
none the less... I enjoy school.
I often ask myself, why am I still unhappy?
I have a great religion that gives me hope, I have school, I have friends... why is it that sometimes I find it hard to smile?
I think its because I have not forgiven myself... I need to do that.
You see a few months back, I had a great guy in my life who I loved very much. But I pushed him away... like I have done to a lot of guys... But for some reason... I can't seem to let this go. I can't seem to forgive myself.
I figure I will in time. It gets easier as time goes on and such... But in the back of my head I keep blaming myself for ruining something that was really great.
and I suppose that is where my problem is... I just need to realize its all in the Lords hands. Trust him and move on.
and I do...
Its just well, you know... the days where I miss...
anyways the point is...
I have a great life. I am a lucky girl.
I have learned a lot in my life, especially lately. Things are not easy, but I get by.
My name is Janelle.
I suffer from depression. I have since I was 12. This blog is my outlet. My thoughts and ideas on how I handle everyday life. It is not a blog to have people feel sorry for me... actually most people I know don't know about this blog. This is just a place for me to express my thoughts in hopes that I can get better and be the best mom, wife, and friend that I can be.
Many people suffer from depression... maybe someone will read this things and learn something from me.
I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever met. It took me a while to find him, but he is worth everything i went through just to find him.
I am a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love my religion with all my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly. She is my world.
I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his eternal plan. I am so glad that I have this life. I have had many trials and many more are sure to come but God will help me all the way