Wednesday, March 31, 2010

All I wanted was you

"What do you do when you live in a zoo?" I was asked that the other day. He said his mom said that all the time while he was growing up. It brought a smile to my face thinking of him, just as right now I am smiling thinking of him.
Why is it that I can't be with him right now? Timing.
My past two relationships have taught me that timing is everything.
If its not the right time then you just move forward and pray to God that the next time it will be. But God has his own plans, and if he says its not right then you just trust... and pray that through the pain of loss, loneliness and heartache you will one day fine true happiness and love.

Lately I realized I have been longing for some closure. I know i'll never get it. And I know things will never be like they are in your memory. Its hard when you realize that people move on and become happy and that happened before I was happy and moved on. And that kind of hurt a lot.

I realized that when it comes to figuring out what I want to do for a major I just need to focus on what brings me the most happiness, and honestly I am still not sure. But I am getting closer.

I know that I like who I am. I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. I used to say,"well if he wants me to be like this, or act like this... i'll change." But I am who I am.
and I am not changing.

I need to do something therapeutic, like jump off a tall bridge into water, or color my hair... something to change it up. I am not the type of person who sits around with routine very well.
Routine frustrates me.

I just keep smiling.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Social. As. I. Get.

     I Love days like today. It is sunny and I am wearing a short sleeved shirt... My spirits are high and nothing can seem to get me down. Spring break starts tomorrow and my biology class is canceled due to that. So I am in the library at UVU waiting for my "study buddy" to get here to finish our test.
     I took a career placement test today and I meet with someone next week to talk about the results. I am pleased with that. I need to figure out some type of road map for my life.
     There is a big hill on campus that is quite steep. My theatre friends and myself took to sliding down it today after class. The bottom is very close to the street and some cars would slow down or stop becuase they were afraid of running our free falling flailing bodies over.
It was awesome and when I upload the pictures, maybe I will post some on here.
     Even with all the stress that the end of the semester is closer than I realize, I am genuinely happy and have a smile on my face. I am ready for the winter to end. I am ready for a new chapter in my life and for some reason spring seems to represent a new chapter, a new life, a new beginning for me.
     I have come so far from last year at this time. I am so much more comfortable with myself and pleased with where I am and where I am going.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

you can tell, look at your face.

I have a lot of random thoughts going on in my head right now.
I just need to type it here so it can get off my chest.
Maybe If I type this, It will make sense and it can stop bugging me.

     I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How I miss him and blah blah blah.
... But here is the thing. I miss the way he treated me, the way were together... who he was with me... who I saw in him. I know he is not perfect. Actually, he see's himself as this evil jerk and Its sad becuase I never saw any of that in him. I saw this amazing, witty, clever, passionate guy who really can do anything. And he saw the best in me. I loved being with him becuase through our relationship, I saw what he saw in me... and the things about myself I didn't like, he helped me see that I could change them. He helped me see that I am so much more than what I had ever thought. He is a huge reason that I actually like who I am. I will forever be grateful for him.
     Maybe that is it... I am looking for someone who see's in me what he saw in me. For someone who is willing to take a risk on me. Every guy in my life right now looks at me as a friend or as not worth the risk. Which is fine, kinda funny really. They come to me and talk about other girls and their lives and such. And I am grateful to have awesome friends. But truth be told no one in my life has impacted me, has changed me, or even come close to being anything what my ex was to me.
     I hate that I have this memory in my mind that everyone has to measure up to now. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances... I am not one to write any one off but still. What he was to me and what he did for me... well, it changed my life. And people say, "You barely dated... get over it." I am over him, but I am not, I suppose over it... becuase what he did for me. What he was for me. I loved who I was with him.
     I do want to address that I knew he wasn't perfect. Many people try to say I idealized him. Which I have been trying very hard not to do. He had and has I suppose (I don't know him anymore) many faults. As we all do. Like I mentioned above, he saw himself as this horrible person... and maybe he is what he thinks.  I just think its sad, becuase I saw all his good traits and they overshadowed his faults. He "weakness" didn't seem to matter so much.
     Something I never got to tell him was that I never meant to hurt him, I was doing what I thought was right (and it was right for me at that time), I know that he is an amazing guy, who has gone through a lot and come out even stronger. I respect him for all he has gone through and for who I knew him to be.
     I don't know if he knew, but I hope he did, that I didn't love him becuase I loved and had a good relationship with his parents. I sometimes wondered if he thought that. Had their son been anyone else, I would have not fallen for him. I had never intended to fall for him. I had it in my mind that I was never allowed to. I was waiting for my missionary for crying out loud! But him and I fit together so perfectly, I was so comfortable around him and I felt like we were on the same page with everything... I couldn't help but fall.
      I do acknowledge that it was very soon after his mission. That most definitly was a factor in why it didn't work. We were both young and needed to grow. I knew that, that is why I don't regret breaking up with him. It was the right choice given the circumstances. I do regret that I was so indecisive and that I could't let go and trust the Lord. I understand, and do not blame him for leaving me and for no longer talking to me. I was clingy, needy, and couldn't just leave things up to the Lord. And that pushed him away and ruined any chance of any reconciliation. I wish I had been stronger, but now I am. Now I know better... and my trust lies fully in the hands of God. I know that he directs my life and he will not give me happiness only to take it away forever. As I remain faithful, I know with all of my heart I will be blessed. It may not be in my time bracket or in how I expect at the time... but I will be happy. I know that with every fiber of my being.
     My deepest secret and selfish desire is that I hope one day my ex and I will be friends again. And we can go for a long car ride and talk about how happy we are with where are lives have taken us. My prayer is that he is happy becuase he deserves that.
     I know we may never be a couple again, but I guess, I write this to publicly tell all 3 people who actually read this, that I know he is an awesome guy and I look back on his memory with no regret, but rather with gratitude for who he helped me to become.  I owe a lot to him. I truly loved him... I didn't know love, real love, until I met him. I am so glad I have felt that wonderful sensation.

I owe all I am to the Lord, and I am grateful that this path I am on is being directed by him. I know that no matter what trails lie ahead for me, things will be ok. Adversity is for my benefit. I am stronger becuase of all I have been through.

Writing this has been very therapeutic. I am glad I did. I needed this closure for myself.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Its not really a surprise

 I have been feeling a lot happier lately. I owe that to my church attendance, reading scriptures and more positive outlook. I was having such a bad time. I kept loathing myself and finding silly things to freak out over and I was mad about things that are out of my control. But I am better now. I am breathing.
I started talking to some boy, because that is what you do as a single person right? I invested interest, and last night things got kind of dramatic because of miscommunications, (not either of our faults) but after wards him and I talked and it was nice to hear we are both on the same page about things.  BUT, (isn't there always a but)... He told me about this girl that he "used" to date, who He loved. He had wrote her on his mission. He is now talking to her still, and He told me how if the chance arose he would drop everything to date her. I do not judge him or blame him at all. ... I know the feeling all to well actually. Lucky for him he talks to his ex. He is still friends and there might actually be a chance with the person who he thinks is best for him.... anyways, my point; I don't want to date, invest time and energy in someone, who is in love with someone else. Who holds some one else in high esteem and I can never be that person ( and i must note that I don't even know him so I don't know If I would even want to be... but just saying).
Any ways, I still also hold new relationships, new meetings of males, to my past relationship. I am looking for something like what I felt with my ex. Is that bad? I don't think so. I am not holding on to my ex. I am not in love with him still. I just appreciate what we had and I know I want something like that some day. 
(The only bitterness I have is that he never told me what I did, he just left. Never spoke to me. Broke all his promises and didn't want to give me a chance to change or be forgiven for hurting him. ) ...OH hahaha... none of that matters. All that matters is that I have learned a great deal from all this. 
Why is dating so important around here? I am really happy alone. I know the right guy will come along in time. and until then... some one PLEASE help me choose a major!
I did a short skit in my theatre class today and realized how much I miss acting....
Who knows If I will follow that feeling. But That right now is what I am focusing on... ME. WHAT DO I WANT?  .... I have no idea.....      ok Janelle.... time to find out. :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

and when the timing is right, to sneak out into night

Yesterday was not a super fun day. I had school from 10am until 8:30pm.
I went to lunch with my friend who is getting married and that was wonderful. She is awesome and she lifted my spirits.
But my last class at 6 is philosophy. I got my mid term back and it was a B-. Not what I was expecting. I was disappointed. Then a bunch of other stuff occurred, and I became very depressed. I was sitting in my class holding back tears, I was so overwhelmed.
My friend in that class gave me a ride. He could tell I was upset and kept asking if I was ok. I couldn't talk about it. But it was really nice that he cared. It made me feel very loved.
I went home, sat on bed and collected myself.
I went downstairs and my roommates made me laugh, and smile so I started to feel better.
BUT what really made my night, was my dear friend came over, made me brownies and ice cream and helped me with my biology. He is the nicest guy alive. And he will probably never realize how what he did for me changed my entire night. He is awesome. I don't even think he knows. And when he meets the right girl, one worth the risk ha ha, he is going to be such a good boyfriend. I can tell. He is such a caring and awesome friend.

So, now I am off to work. I have wasted my day today. Tomorrow I will be better.

go ahead. do it.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

and I knew you could never forget me

     I am so grateful for the blessings that God gives me. Hands down, I don't recognize how much I really have enough.  And honestly, its terrible. I have a really awesome life.
I came home from a night of work to find that my roommate had cleaned and vacuumed my room. To some this may not sound like a big deal, but my room is well, the most disgusting place on earth. It must have taken her 4 hours, easy! But she would't tell me, she just smiled and apologized if things were out of place. She is amazing and wonderful. I am so blessed.
     And having the best roommate ever isn't my only blessing but it is one of them. I just was thinking tonight about how I don't recognize how much God does for me. I find myself complaining more often than not about things that I don't have, or I think I need. I don't take enough time to just smile and realize that my life is great. Things are under control. The Lord has a plan for me and he is aware of my situation.
     Sometimes its hard to put all your trust in God, and be confident that the best things will come in the future for you. I hate not knowing the future. These past few years that has been one of my many struggles; trusting God when I cannot see the future.

     I had a great day today. Work was busy but not bad. No one yelled too bad at me.(BAM ...blessing... see how many there are?!)
My room was magically cleaned.
This cute guy asked me to hang out, and I enjoyed myself. He probably won't call again, but still not bad.
I got most of my home work done.

     So yeah, there are days I cry and scream and complain that things suck and don't make sense. And there are times I want to yell and say I am alone. Life is not fair... But at those times, I need to realize that          I am ok. Things are not as bad as I think.
     I need to remember that.
     I some how always forget.

Monday, March 1, 2010

someday I know it will all turn out

Last night was way awesome. I was invited to dinner with some people in my ward. They are two really awesome, smart and funny girls. I enjoyed their company immensely. Though I will say I am slightly intimidated by them. I hope to go over again soon.

On a different note, I am constantly soo busy and I feel bad when I can't hang out with everyone that I want to. But school is hard, and work is well, demanding. I have been sick and my hours are slim so I know I am going to start hurting soon. I hate that. I want to buy a car, I just keep praying it will work out you know?
I am still sick and I hate it. I think its going away though. My right tonsil is swollen and has mucus all over it. It looks quite revolting.

I have been doing home work all morning and I told work I would be in an hour later so I could do home work and also so I could sleep a little more. I keep hoping that the more I sleep the sooner I will get better.
I have been doing more creative writing work. I have a lot in my repertoire now.
Here is one I turned in a few weeks ago.


This is the path I never wanted to take,
one I never expected to be on.
Yet I keep walking the dusty road,
over the rigid rocks and boulders,
through the sharp edged tumble weeds,
underneath the blistering summer sky.

She walks a path I would have chosen,
one that I am unable to be on.
The paved even ground underneath
carries her safely through.
While gigantic oaks shade her trail
she, smiling, carries on her way.

I envy her as she strolls along effortlessly
while I grab onto barren branches
desperately trying to brace myself before I fall.
As I look at my worn shoes and deep cuts,
my torn clothing and shaking hands,
I see the path I have tread...and how far I have come.

My teacher says that it is very prosy. I agree. i need to figure out how to fix that. It was an exercise in imagery. She says I should make it longer. Go in more depth. I just need to figure out what exactly I should do with it.

And now I am off to work.