Monday, December 31, 2012

Here is to a new year

So much change has happened this year.
I feel overwhelmed. I would be naive to believe that 2013 will be less eventful. Change is always inevitable.

I want so badly to just be happy.
I feel like I can fake it so well. I may not be able to say many great things about myself but I can say that I am a fairly decent actress.

I know I have every reason to be happy. I know I have a really wonderful life. And those who have never experienced depression won't understand. They may think I am weak. They probably think I am pathetic and ungrateful. I hope they will understand that depression is a horrible thing that rears its nasty head in the most agonizing ways. And so what may seem as pathetic and weak to you is actually someone giving life their all. Depression makes everyday, every little normal thing difficult. I want so badly to just smile at my daughter and laugh with her without feeling like I am straining to find the energy to do so.

This year I am going to work on me. I want to work out. I want to eat better. I want to be more spiritual and closer to God. And I pray that as I work on these things that the depression will become more manageable. That the energy will come. And that I will be able to to allow myself to feel the happiness that is in my life. Becuase I have such an amazing life. I just want to enjoy it.

I am so grateful that God loves me and has brought me so far. I know he won't forget me. I know despite my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that he has never left my side.

I know this. I know this. I know this.
Please... please... let me live this.