Monday, October 11, 2010

I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to. Nothing ever is what it may seem to be. Things don't stay the same forever. Change is inevitable in every aspect of life. Embracing change... learning how to deal with it is the key. The key I have not quite grasped yet. But I am working on it.

I don't ever seem to fully understand myself. I think I have the world figured out, I have myself figured out and than something will come out of nowhere and catch you off guard. That is not always bad, but for me who is constantly looking for stability and consistency it can be a bit unnerving.

I have been extremely blessed lately. I have very little to complain about. And yet in the midst of my happiness comes my ever occurring doubts. The doubts that make me wonder if I am doing what is right. I am aways second guessing myself. Wondering if I am being stupid. Wondering if there lies in the past something I will regret. Wondering if I am doing what is right... what if I just think its right and I am wrong. What if I am wrong?
There comes a time when you have to stop listening to the doubts.. (the doubts that are a lot less loud this time remarkably). There comes a time when you jump. You just jump and trust God and stop worrying.
God will not guide us somewhere that is second best.
I need to learn how to separate fiction from truth. Imaginary from reality. I need to learn how to trust in my answers and my happiness... I need to realize that I deserve to be happy despite what I may have been conditioned to believe. I need to not sabotage a good thing and just let it happen.

I need to learn how to Trust. Sounds like something I have heard before...

I need to allow myself to be happy.

The past is a wonderful place to visit from time to time... but if we never take a step out of the past, if we stay there holding on so tightly to what WE think is best for us, to what we think is supposed to be our path than we will miss life. We will miss opportunities.
Yes, the past is safe, becuase we already know it. and the future is uncertain, scary, and unknown. But if we don't trust we will stay at a mediocre level of happiness instead of the eternal blissful happiness we have been promised. Trust God. Trust that as we pray and live the way we should our lives will unfold in the way that is best for us.
Letting go is hard. Moving forward can hurt. But there is happiness up ahead. We just need to jump out there and free fall into the future.

I know this is a good thing. I can feel it.
I am just so bound by a past that broke me...

Be patient. I can over come. I climb mountains... so this, this is nothing.
You are worth this.