Tuesday, February 23, 2010

maybe its just my thought process

I hate to be sick. I hate feeling like such a waste. Wanting so badly to get up, do homework, go to school and or work.. and yet my body seems unable to anything but lie in bed and ache.
I have not been sick since .. well june when I had the swine flu. And my biggest problem was realizing that and saying it out loud... as soon as I did that I jinxed myself... and here I am.

Other than that I am busy with school and work. I hate work. I hate the place I work and everyday is a miserable experience. But I go anyways... you know to pay the bills.
I love school. I like to learn and meet people. I like to interact with others and have conversations in which I feel intelligent and well, sometimes even cool. yes, I sometimes feel cool. Even though I know I am not what webster's dictionary would describe as such.
none the less... I enjoy school.

I often ask myself, why am I still unhappy?
I have a great religion that gives me hope, I have school, I have friends... why is it that sometimes I find it hard to smile?
I think its because I have not forgiven myself... I need to do that.
You see a few months back, I had a great guy in my life who I loved very much. But I pushed him away... like I have done to a lot of guys... But for some reason... I can't seem to let this go. I can't seem to forgive myself.
I figure I will in time. It gets easier as time goes on and such... But in the back of my head I keep blaming myself for ruining something that was really great.
and I suppose that is where my problem is... I just need to realize its all in the Lords hands. Trust him and move on.
and I do...
Its just well, you know... the days where I miss...
anyways the point is...
I have a great life. I am a lucky girl.

I have learned a lot in my life, especially lately. Things are not easy, but I get by.
and I am Happy. Happy for all I have.
and I am blessed to be who I am.

what else can you ask for?

1 comment:

  1. Um, we need to talk about this "great guy" so then I can help you stop pushing them away. (I've done it too, btw)

    Also: I think I'm your first comment ever!