Sunday, February 10, 2013

There is a fight goes on

There is a fight that goes on within me.
I am afraid to let it be. If I hold it in for much longer what could it do? What will I become?
If I pretend that I feel nothing then maybe that is what I will be.
A shell of a human? A person without feelings... becuase feelings make no sense.

The hardest part of being sad is when people don't understand and you feel completely alone.
I hate feeling like I am no one. Trying my best to fit in. I want so badly to play the perfect part. Be the perfect person. But I am constantly falling short.
And I feel like I have no one to talk to. And I want to get a counselor. I want to fight but I have been made to feel that that path is weak. That I need to be stronger on my own.

So maybe I am having a hard day. or week. Or so.

I know there is a God. I know he loves me. Even if I can't see why all the time. I know he does.

We all have bad days. How do we fight another day? Just line upon line. Precept upon precept.
I know I am not alone. Even when I feel it.
I have faith in the Lord above.

but that doesn't take away the fact that I feel so emotionless.

I pray tomorrow will be different.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Here is to a new year

So much change has happened this year.
I feel overwhelmed. I would be naive to believe that 2013 will be less eventful. Change is always inevitable.

I want so badly to just be happy.
I feel like I can fake it so well. I may not be able to say many great things about myself but I can say that I am a fairly decent actress.

I know I have every reason to be happy. I know I have a really wonderful life. And those who have never experienced depression won't understand. They may think I am weak. They probably think I am pathetic and ungrateful. I hope they will understand that depression is a horrible thing that rears its nasty head in the most agonizing ways. And so what may seem as pathetic and weak to you is actually someone giving life their all. Depression makes everyday, every little normal thing difficult. I want so badly to just smile at my daughter and laugh with her without feeling like I am straining to find the energy to do so.

This year I am going to work on me. I want to work out. I want to eat better. I want to be more spiritual and closer to God. And I pray that as I work on these things that the depression will become more manageable. That the energy will come. And that I will be able to to allow myself to feel the happiness that is in my life. Becuase I have such an amazing life. I just want to enjoy it.

I am so grateful that God loves me and has brought me so far. I know he won't forget me. I know despite my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that he has never left my side.

I know this. I know this. I know this.
Please... please... let me live this.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Look past the darkness

I am not sure who reads this anymore.. I think becuase I have my "family" blog now that not many people do.
I am ok with that.
Becuase I need a place to write. I need a place to express this journey that I am going through right now without the fear of being judged or harassed.

Depression is real. I wish I knew more people who suffered from it so maybe then I could have someone to relate to. Someone to talk to. Someone to tell me that they have survived it.

I thought I had gotten through the worst. Back when I was 13 all I had was pills. I was thrown every pill you could imagine. Then at 20 I decided that pills were not for me. I went to talk therapy. I felt so much better. I met my husband. Fell in love. Got married. Had a baby.

Now I find myself back in this darkness. I feel as if sadness won't let me be. I feel guilty for being sad becuase when I take an inventory of my life I realize I have every reason to be happy. I have every reason to smile and laugh...
Some moments I am fine. Some moments I am happy and I can go out face the world.
Other moments I feel so consumed with anxiety, self doubt and just plain sadness. Tears fall and won't leave.
I have tried to fight this. My doctor gave me more medicine... nothing I hadn't taken before. I felt like I was taking a million steps backwards. I was reverting back to pills. I felt as if they were masking my problems. Whatever my problems are.

That is what is so difficult with true depression. It is so hard to actually see what is causing you to be sad. You just feel so low. So unhappy.
The guilt is so horrible too. The guilt I feel when I realize that I have no reason to feel sad. When sure maybe when I was younger my sadness was understood becuase I had a pretty screwed up life but now things are better. Things are great. I should be smiling and dancing even and yet I am stuck in this rut of confusion where there doesn't seem to be any answers on how to survive here.
My younger self would be so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

Some one who has true depression can't just be told to "snap" out of it. I know that. But I want so badly to snap out of this. I want there to be a pill that will take away my hatred of myself, of my guilt, of my sadness.

I know I need to see a counselor. I am going next wednesday.
I need to remember that darkness can't control me. I need to look at the miracle that I have in front of me everyday... my smiling daughter. I need to realize how loved I am. How wonderful life is. How the sunshine is bright despite the doubts in my head that say there is only darkness forever.
I can grasp onto the hope that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I need to let that knowledge bring me through this journey right now. My daughter deserves a happy mother.

I wish I knew that I wasn't the only person who has ever felt this way.
Maybe I am the only person who has ever felt this way.

I have to look through the clouds of confusion, doubt and horribly binding sadness and see that I am never truly alone. There is a God. I know that. Even if depression makes it harder to feel his love... i need to remember that he is there. He has always been there and he will never leave me.

I need to smile. I need to laugh. I need to face the fact that things will get better.

I just need to keep trudging along. I am strong... I can do this.
I hope.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I smile when I see you, I have been waiting for you.

      I am married and its been almost 2 months. I feel so blessed to have my best friend with me at all times. I am never bored. Don't be fooled, things are not always perfect. It is strange getting used to living with someone especially when that someone is male.
     I keep finding myself in awe that I am no longer apart of the dating game. I keep looking back on where I have come from and how I ended up here. I have been waiting for Eric for so long it seems while in reality it was not that long at all. i would do it all again if it meant ending up with someone so worth it.
     I keep reading all these sad little blog posts and journal entries from long ago. I knew I was looking for Eric all along but I couldn't find him. I wish I could go back and reassure myself through all those tearful nights that I would not be alone for long.
     I am so happy to be where I am. I was thinking of that today. I am starting my program in the fall and going back to my awesome job helping out in the kindergarten class. I am so happy to see where life will take me. I know so much is in store.
     I know I have never been alone, My Savior has been with me. But I will say its nice to have Eric beside me now too. I never imagined that I would end up with some one so selfless and kind. And someone I know won't let me down.

Its been a rocky path to get here but it was worth the hike. I know my trail does not end here but I am glad I get to go the rest of the way with some one.
He is all I could have ever wanted.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

We all want our Happily Ever After

     I don't believe in the typical Fairy Tale. I don't believe in the whole distraught princess lives a lonesome terrible life until the handsome brave prince comes riding in on his beautiful white horse to whisk her away to her new joyous life of riches, fame and the simple promise of a "Happily Ever After." Some of you are probably asking yourselves why this seems so cynical for someone you know is getting married in 23 days. I will get to that, just hear me out.
      I will admit that as a child I fantasied what it would be like to be swept off my feet by prince charming and to have him carry me away to a place where I would never have to cry, work or feel pain again. Where there would only be happiness and his strong arms to hold me close. I imagined as I would scrub the old bay window in our kitchen what it would be like to be a princess. What it would be like to have someone to love me and to adore me.
     I searched high in low during high school and my first few years of college for this magical remedy to my sadness; my prince, that all the movies promised me and all the other hurt, depressed girls who felt alone and forgotten. I soon realized that there were many men who disguised themselves as princes only to leave you hurt and even more broken than you were. I learned about trusting someone and how sometimes that does not always work to your advantage. I learned that not every man is a prince... and that there are not many people with these promised "Happily Ever Afters." I learned that there are good men out there who could be a prince, but they just don't quite work well with you... so they are not your prince.
     One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is not a prince here on this earth to rescue you from your trials. No one came whisking into my life to grant me a solution to all my sadness and woe. I waited and waited for someone to give me worth. For someone to make my pain go away and to make me feel like I was worth it. I was waiting for someone to convince me that I deserved love. No one could do that for me. Guys would come into my life, make me feel loved and special and than as soon as they would leave, let me down or disappear so did my self worth. So did my life it would seem. I realized that I am not waiting for my prince so that my life can begin, but rather I have to find out who I really am and then my life can begin.
     For each person the quest to find themselves is a very personal journey that can take a very long time. I realize now that my quest began long ago but became more effective for me when I moved out on my own about four years ago. I was forced to face life on my own in many ways and it felt like the weight of the world was trying to bring me down. I realize now that weight is what brought me up to what I am now. For me, I would never had figured out who I am with out my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My knowledge that he knows me and loves me is what got me through all the thickest of the many thorny branches that blocked my path. When I had literally no one else to turn to I always could turn to him. And even though many nights I was unsure if he could hear my heart felt pleas for comfort I know now he was there every step that I took. He was my answer as cliche as it may be. It is real.
     I realized that I was not just some simple girl from some unknown california town. I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who knows me personally. I realized that I have great potential with in me, as we all do. That I am not measured by what other people say or think of me but what I do and become. My strength is measured by how I can press forward and how I learn from mistakes. I realized that I do deserve happiness despite my past, struggles or trails.
     I realize this may not be how all people find themselves. I respect that. I just know that there is a God and that he loves all his children. That knowledge helped me out of my depression and sadness and that is what brought me to find myself. That knowledge is what will bring me my Happily Ever After.
     Becuase I learned who I was and how to like myself, when a dashing young man came along with a kind heart and pure intentions I was able to see him. I was able to let him in and let him love me. And I am able to love him with all of my heart. And becuase my life is no longer one huge mess of self pity I was able to let him in and not want to run away like I always have in the past looking for answers. I have answers now. Maybe not all of them, but we can figure out the rest together.
     I want you all to know that Eric is indeed my prince. And he is definitely more than I have ever dreamed of. He did not come in and save me from any untimely doom. He did not rescue me from all my sadness and despair. He sure did light up my life though. He has made it a billion times better. He did sweep me off my feet, I was not expecting to find someone as passionate, kind, intelligent, funny, determined, faithful and loyal as him. He has given me a kind of happiness that I have never known. He has taught me what it means to be loved and adored and for him I am very grateful. But I am not naive. I know that he has not saved me from all of the pain and torment of life. I know that there is still sadness in this world, but having him beside me will help me to face it all.
Eric is a strength to me. He is my best friend and he is what I have been waiting for. The Lord has rescued me. He has given me hope for a real Happily Ever After where I can be with Eric not just for this short time on earth, but forever. I look forward to that time. But till then I will have my (soon to be) husband by my side as we face the trials and hardships that life has in store. I don't promise that we will do it gracefully or even with out complaint (though I will try) but we will go through hand in hand.

LDS San Diego Temple 
So no, I don't believe in a typical fairy tale... But I do believe there is a Happily Ever After someday thanks to a loving God and hey... I am getting married in a castle.


To know more about my happiness and self discovery visit HERE.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


There are days that I feel so overwhelmed. I feel as if I am about to sink ... as if I am going to just wash away. It is so hard pleasing everyone... watching what I say, making sure not to offend anyone. It is so hard to go around living life. I feel so alone at times. I am so grateful to Eric. I don't know what I would do without him.
I am trying so hard everyday. I know that the Lord loves me. He is helping me through life and despite the hard times and the many tears I shed I know that each day is a new chance to be the best I can be.
I make mistakes. I wish I could erase them. But all I can do is fix it.
I am so stressed, I feel alone and that I have to face everything by myself... but I know that things are ok... and even though i don't think I deserve it... I am so happy to have Eric and his love.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Its been awhile

I have a lot to say... but time seems to get the best of me these days.
I am engaged. I am in the elementary ed program at UVU and I am doing my best each day to survive.

I don't have more time to gab or write right now which makes me sad but I will just do a little advertising for my fiance's family.
They have a great fitness camp in Saint George Utah. Its amazing. They are wonderful personal trainers and their main focus for the camp is to help their clients learn how to change their lifestyles to be more healthy. They teach how to cook, how to plan what you eat and how to work out and properly exercise. They are wonderful people. So pass it along.