Sunday, August 29, 2010

"There are lots of smart ideas in books I never read..."

     I wish I was a scholar. I wish I read a thousand books and could impress you with my knowledge. I wish I could make you smile with my witty humor. I wish that I could sometimes be the age that I feel, and not be seen as this little immature twenty one year old.  I feel so much different than other people my age. But really I just feel different than other people.

     I know who I want to be. Who do you want me to be?
I sometimes feel like everyone wants me to be somebody else. I just want to be me... and I just want that to be ok.
     But what if who I am or who I choose to be is someone that no one ever wants. What if I am someone no one can ever understand? I feel like that. I am someone no one understands. And I am undecided on if that is a good thing or not.

     I feel like in many conversations with mixed company lately the topic of dating has been coming up more and more. It is a frustrating topic. Apparently I have some very strong feelings on the issue and I suppose that could be a good and bad thing. A boy in my ward though tonight, well, he pretty much summarized exactly how I have been feeling on the topic of dating lately and it is this... I want to date someone, be with someone, who makes me want to be better. I want to be with someone who has  similar desires of righteousness as me. I want to be with someone who encourages me to be all that I can be and I want to encourage him. I want to be with someone where we both go to church, and that if we end up getting married someday I won't be the one getting up sunday mornings alone. I want someone who is a good guy and strives to please the Lord.
      But once again, there seems to be a problem. I don't seem to meet people like that. Or maybe they just don't let me know they are like that?  Or the people I do meet that are like that never seem to be interested in me.
But, once again, I must ask; "why is it bad that I just ignore dating?" I just don't have time for it now... and I have a lot of time to wait. I am only twenty one.

     Lately I have been thinking. Just thinking of life. Where I am, where I have been, where I am going. I have thought about myself. Who I am. I am a reflective person. I like to try and think things out.

     I think there are so many things I have yet to learn. There are so many things I have done that I wish I hadn't. So many bridges burned that I wish I had just never walked over. and Yet I know that I have walked the path that I am on for a reason. I know that it leads to greener valleys and I am willing to journey on ward till I find them, where ever they may be.

I know its not an easy path that I will continue to venture on, but I am willing to face it.
You are welcome to join me. I promise to never let go if you grab my hand. I promise to help you if you help me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Can you see yourself through someone else's eyes?

And the words raced through my brain, like memories from long ago, haunting everything. "Have some faith, you are strong."
     But words are words. There is nothing there without action. So I hang my head now, for the things I have forgotten.
     I am strong. I see strength when I look in the mirror. But there are days I forget. There are times we all forget, just how strong we really are. But we can't dwell on days lived. We can't let them paint us old as we regret where we slipped and fell. We push on and learn. We remember our past as our future will tend to repeat itself.. If we let it, we have learned nothing. If we can change it, well, then we can see our strength and growth.
     Doubt destroys, faith fulfills. Pres. Monson said that. Why is it that I allow doubt to come in? Why is it that doubt can creep so easily and faith seems so much harder to grasp?
But on this side of the bridge I feel that doubt is nothing more than my fears. I can let them go. I can't see everything, true. Fog clouds my view here and there, but faith can carry me through it. I know that I will make it out. This path ends somewhere.

     The sun still shines my friends. You can see it, you can feel it. So why worry? "I wonder all the time why worry?" Have a little faith! The sun has never given into the night, it rises still everyday without fail. Somedays a little dimmer than others but still it comes out. What makes you any different?

     For all of you who ever doubted me, I can tell you now; I am living on my own. I am surviving all alone. and I am winning.  I still know who I am. I have not forgotten.
     Where are you? Who are you? Any clue?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

and there is so much you just don't know.

     I have found myself today, just wanting to get away. Just wanting to run or drive (or fly) to a beach or to the mountains where I can just hide away unharmed or bothered. I can read, think, write, sing... be free. I want to just get away, away from this. This everyday same old same old that repeats and repeats and drives me to believe that the only happiness I will ever find will be when my head hits my pillow at night.
     I have been trying to figure out where faith comes in. And I know where now. I know where it comes. It comes at times like this where I don't see the light. Where I can't see how taking this path will ever make me happy. But I push on with full trust. That is when my faith kicks in. That is where I let go of my doubts and my longing to control. Becuase I don't see how my future will work out. How my desires can ever be met. But I push on. I endure on.

"I tie my handle bars to the stars so I stay on track. "

I find myself in awe with the sky. Its endless and beautiful. Its holds so much mystery. The sky is so much greater than I may even hope to be and yet here I am, so important? so Significant? so they say... I feel so powerless.

I want to fly away. Away and be alone. Where not even you, yes you can find me. You who I don't know. You won't even find me. And I will sit and ponder the wonders of this earth and all that God has created. And when I'm done I will fly back home. Home. Home? I am not sure I know where that is. Where are you?

If you want to fly away with me, I may let you. Ask nicely. I am fragile.