There are so many thoughts running through my brain and yet all that I can seem to grasp is one constant sentence, "I want to runaway."
Not to escape forever. Becuase I am not the type of girl to do that. But for a day or a week. I would like to go away. Alone. reconnect with myself. I wish I would have taken advantage of the times I spent alone. The moments when I had "Nothing to do".
Why did I complain about that so much and yet now I long for that.
I saw her again tonight you know. That girl. That girl I finally now know. She was crying again. She has not done that in a while. And her tears ran down the curves of her cheeks only to release that pain from her past that she keeps so hidden deep inside.
She didn't long for anyone though. She did not long for someone to come hold her and make all the pain disappear. She just cried. And as she cried she knew that it was through those tears she would learn and grow. She did not ask for the hurt to leave or the answers to be made more clear. Just for strength to move on. Happiness is promised to everyone in time. And its through our pain that we appreciate our happiness.
The damage began 8 years ago. That was the tragic break that started it all. Others have chipped away at her since. And now she is left with a shapeless speck that has nothing left to give.
Why do we take what does not belong to us? Why do we break what we cannot repair?
I just want you to know, Becuase I don't think you do...You left without even realizing what you were leaving.
I went to an institute dance last night with some of the greatest people alive. I am not a huge fan of dancing or social gatherings (especially those which are focused around the idea of everyone dating becuase I usually feel pretty awkward while everyone stares at you and tries to see if you are worth asking out! ha.) but I had a lot of fun regardless. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself. It was definitely an evening I do not regret.
As of late I have had a lot of time to think about the future and how it always seem to be that I am waiting for something. I hate that feeling. Waiting. Especially when I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for. I know that it is so important to gain patience while I wait, yet the test is how?
Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk last conference about patience. You can see it here.
I realize that patience is essential to becoming perfect. Patience shows that we can put our desires on hold for a time and then we do what the Lord would have us do. I find that it is hard to submit to the will of the Lord sometimes and not becuase I don't love him or I don't want to follow him but becuase I don't exactly know what is in store. It is scary to walk down a dark path with only a light that shines 5 inches in front of you.
So once again I return to this ever present concept of Faith. I must learn to put all my faith in God and place my doubts and struggles at his feet. I know that if do this and just press forward that my burdens will be light and that I will be able to see where it is this dark and scary path leads.
The world is so big. It is easy to get lost, lose your way and forget what is important. I have done that. I refuse to again. I know where I want to be now and even though I don't have all the answers to life's many mysteries I have the answers that matter.
I know how to gain happiness.
I realize that what we all desire is happiness and only happiness. When sadness comes we cry out to the seemingly empty sky, "Why can't I just be happy?" We moan and groan and look forward to those better times or sometimes we hold on to our past happy memories waiting for them to return.
I submit that we should be grateful for those sad moments. Those times that make us scream out in utter despair and feel like we may never smile again. Becuase those are the moments that have really taught us what happiness is. Those moments have brought us to our knees only so we could feel that sweet peace that can comfort us. To show us that sunshine can follow a storm. We would never appreciate the sun if we didn't have those gloomy days. We would never appreciate the happiness that comes in life if we did not have sadness and loss.
I am going to work harder on trying to remember that.
I am going to work harder on enduring well and being patient through the hard times.
I know there is always a way to dance in the rain.
My name is Janelle.
I suffer from depression. I have since I was 12. This blog is my outlet. My thoughts and ideas on how I handle everyday life. It is not a blog to have people feel sorry for me... actually most people I know don't know about this blog. This is just a place for me to express my thoughts in hopes that I can get better and be the best mom, wife, and friend that I can be.
Many people suffer from depression... maybe someone will read this things and learn something from me.
I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever met. It took me a while to find him, but he is worth everything i went through just to find him.
I am a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love my religion with all my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly. She is my world.
I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his eternal plan. I am so glad that I have this life. I have had many trials and many more are sure to come but God will help me all the way