Monday, December 31, 2012

Here is to a new year

So much change has happened this year.
I feel overwhelmed. I would be naive to believe that 2013 will be less eventful. Change is always inevitable.

I want so badly to just be happy.
I feel like I can fake it so well. I may not be able to say many great things about myself but I can say that I am a fairly decent actress.

I know I have every reason to be happy. I know I have a really wonderful life. And those who have never experienced depression won't understand. They may think I am weak. They probably think I am pathetic and ungrateful. I hope they will understand that depression is a horrible thing that rears its nasty head in the most agonizing ways. And so what may seem as pathetic and weak to you is actually someone giving life their all. Depression makes everyday, every little normal thing difficult. I want so badly to just smile at my daughter and laugh with her without feeling like I am straining to find the energy to do so.

This year I am going to work on me. I want to work out. I want to eat better. I want to be more spiritual and closer to God. And I pray that as I work on these things that the depression will become more manageable. That the energy will come. And that I will be able to to allow myself to feel the happiness that is in my life. Becuase I have such an amazing life. I just want to enjoy it.

I am so grateful that God loves me and has brought me so far. I know he won't forget me. I know despite my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that he has never left my side.

I know this. I know this. I know this.
Please... please... let me live this.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Look past the darkness

I am not sure who reads this anymore.. I think becuase I have my "family" blog now that not many people do.
I am ok with that.
Becuase I need a place to write. I need a place to express this journey that I am going through right now without the fear of being judged or harassed.

Depression is real. I wish I knew more people who suffered from it so maybe then I could have someone to relate to. Someone to talk to. Someone to tell me that they have survived it.

I thought I had gotten through the worst. Back when I was 13 all I had was pills. I was thrown every pill you could imagine. Then at 20 I decided that pills were not for me. I went to talk therapy. I felt so much better. I met my husband. Fell in love. Got married. Had a baby.

Now I find myself back in this darkness. I feel as if sadness won't let me be. I feel guilty for being sad becuase when I take an inventory of my life I realize I have every reason to be happy. I have every reason to smile and laugh...
Some moments I am fine. Some moments I am happy and I can go out face the world.
Other moments I feel so consumed with anxiety, self doubt and just plain sadness. Tears fall and won't leave.
I have tried to fight this. My doctor gave me more medicine... nothing I hadn't taken before. I felt like I was taking a million steps backwards. I was reverting back to pills. I felt as if they were masking my problems. Whatever my problems are.

That is what is so difficult with true depression. It is so hard to actually see what is causing you to be sad. You just feel so low. So unhappy.
The guilt is so horrible too. The guilt I feel when I realize that I have no reason to feel sad. When sure maybe when I was younger my sadness was understood becuase I had a pretty screwed up life but now things are better. Things are great. I should be smiling and dancing even and yet I am stuck in this rut of confusion where there doesn't seem to be any answers on how to survive here.
My younger self would be so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

Some one who has true depression can't just be told to "snap" out of it. I know that. But I want so badly to snap out of this. I want there to be a pill that will take away my hatred of myself, of my guilt, of my sadness.

I know I need to see a counselor. I am going next wednesday.
I need to remember that darkness can't control me. I need to look at the miracle that I have in front of me everyday... my smiling daughter. I need to realize how loved I am. How wonderful life is. How the sunshine is bright despite the doubts in my head that say there is only darkness forever.
I can grasp onto the hope that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I need to let that knowledge bring me through this journey right now. My daughter deserves a happy mother.

I wish I knew that I wasn't the only person who has ever felt this way.
Maybe I am the only person who has ever felt this way.

I have to look through the clouds of confusion, doubt and horribly binding sadness and see that I am never truly alone. There is a God. I know that. Even if depression makes it harder to feel his love... i need to remember that he is there. He has always been there and he will never leave me.

I need to smile. I need to laugh. I need to face the fact that things will get better.

I just need to keep trudging along. I am strong... I can do this.
I hope.