Saturday, June 26, 2010

Throwing away the letters that I am writing you, cause they would never do, I would never do.

The weather has been so beautiful lately. Hot, but beautiful.
I am keeping myself busy and surrounded by people. Time flies by.
I am in love with Viktor Frankl's philosophy.
Here are some quotes from him I Love :
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor E. Frankl 

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl 

I have been reading his book Man's search for meaning.  I absolutely love it. I am not quite done, but when I finish I will have to read it again becuase its so deep and full of great insight that rereading it will help me to understand it even more. There is so much in it to be learned.

I feel like his idea's of "changing yourself and your attitude becuase we can't change our situation", is something I have heard all my life and yet never believed. Which is foolish on my part really. I thought telling someone to choose to be happy was unkind and unsympathetic. How can some one choose to be happy when sadness is all around you? Shouldn't you just submit to what obviously the universe wants you to be? Doesn't trials, hard times and difficulties mean that God, the universe and/or Life hate you?
 It seemed ridiculous to me. But that is my inner child speaking, the one who doesn't understand how to deal with herself. Our mind is a marvelous thing. We have so much power over our attitudes which then has so much control over who we are and what we make of our situations. 
Difficult times are not life's way of saying you suck, give up! Rather it is Life's way of saying what can you become? What can you do with this? It is a challenge not a condemnation. 
We are in control of who we are and who we want to be.
I never realized this until recently. I never realized how different life can be when you just choose to submit to the hard times and still be happy. 
Life is so much different when I think "what am I to learn, how will I gain from this" verses "what have I done to deserve this".

There are days where we all feel down, life seems so uphill and we don't know what exactly we are living for. There are days I still forget that i am in charge of my attitude and my perceptions. 
But my challenge to myself is to not let those thoughts last too long. I hope to never give up. and to find the happiness, the meaning in everything that seems to have none. 
Life is relative to our attitude. It is what we make of it. Why would we want to make it miserable? Change is constant, and the change we can have inside ourselves should be as well. 

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Break the chains that bind you.

     Sometimes laughing with good friends will make all the difference in the world.
These past few weeks have been crazy. And honestly, the old me would have given up... thrown my hands in the air, screamed and hid under my blanket for a few days. Really and truely... that old me would have crawled in bed and called into work.
But I am the new me. I'm better wiser & a more stable me.
I did not throw up my hands and admit defeat.
     Lets be honest... I cannot control everything. This I know. I can't control lying boys, broken cars, angry guests, Broken phones, Certain people hating your existence, crazy family,  or tired aching (sore, possibly sprained) feet.
     I can't do anything to stop any of that. BUT I can control my attitude. Yes, I did just say that.
Its so true though. I have always laughed at the idiots who say that. My entire life I have mocked and heavily ridiculed those stupid people who have the audacity to say, "choose to be happy and you will be happy. Get over it and smile."
      I am in no way saying you can just tell your self to be happy and BAM you are. But I do think that the mind is powerful. And the way you react to your trials and misfortunes will determine the quality of your life.
     I have found peace and balance in my once crazy and dysfunctional life. I have found better ways to channel my hostile feelings and angst. I have a better perspective on life and where I am going.
I have come to know myself and know who I want to be. I know that this has helped me so that these past few weeks have not broken me.
I am actually more ok than I have been in.. well my entire life.
I like who I am and where I am.
     Its a way nice feeling, you should try it.

For any one who is interested here is a few highlights of my past few weeks...

     1) I had a "guest" argue with me about wanting to buy a bucket we had sitting on the floor collecting the rain water. It was filled with brown water and had a label on its bottom from 2008. Needless to say after much argument I gave in to the wench of a women and smiled watching her leave my store. I honestly Can't believe someone would fight a twenty one year old girl over a plastic bucket of brown rain water. I wonder what else she fights for.. Like does she go to Wal mart and fight for them to sell her their sanitary trash cans in the women's restroom stalls? I wouldn't put it past her.

     2) I was in winco, which is by far the most amazing place on earth. I was down an aisle with 3 of my girl friends. We were talking and laughing. I started to dance for them. I shook my hips in that way that girls do when they are showing how risqué they can be when no one is looking. We all giggled and went on our way.  As we were walking out, a man looking exactly like tiger woods (even his clothing) taps me on the shoulder. His deep voice paralyzes me as I realize what he is saying... "I saw you dancing." My eyes are the only thing  that moved at this point as I watch him walk away and then he looked back to smile. Needless to say I should not be allowed out in public.

     3) I went on a date. Yup. It was awesome in and of itself. My favorite parts included ME driving up to West Valley and then driving us on this "date".  We get up to the restaurant, and I am starving. As we get out he informs me that he does not have his wallet. I wanted to make him go get his wallet but I am too hungry and being in the car longer with him seems like a worse alternative. We sit down and he does not stop talking to save his life. If there is an odd silence He breaks it with a noise, little humming or random fact. There were no questions asked by him about me, just him talking/making noise.
     He was very nice and pleasant please don't get me wrong and YES I know... beggars can't be choosers, but there was something a bit strange about him. This was confirmed when as I was dropping him off he stayed seated in my car as long as possible going on about music or computers. Finally when it was time for him to get out he looks down the road and sees a kid on a bike, He then breaks out into an improvised song with lyrics like such, "there is a kid on a bike and he is coming towards us, kid on a bike and he is coming towards us. Kid on a bike. kid on a bike... kid on a bike. And he passed us."
 I don't think we will be going out again anytime soon.

4) My mom called me today to ask if I want her to buy me some of the contacts she found at the dollar store. Don't worry they are not a dollar. They are 15$. and they have 85 different colors to choose from. My mom recommends the bright green or aqua. She is contemplating the purple too. Though the zebra stripes are her favorite. I really should get some...
Not exactly sure what else to say about this... I don't know if I should question the fact that she is buying contacts from the dollar store or if I should bring up the fact that she should not be wasting her hard earned disability/retirement money on such fun and entertaining ( and probably hazardous) accessories.
But, as she put it, Don't you just really get sick of your eye color sometimes?

I have about a billion other awesome stories of fun but I think that is all for tonight.
I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that life is good.
Hard times, crazy times, and difficult times make the good stories that i can smile about and retell saying, "Heck yes... I survived."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

and I will be honest if you listen.

I am avoiding doing my paper that is due in 8 hours.

I wish you were here to distract me. Its been three days since we talked.
... you know I miss you.
I miss my best friend.

My roommate and I talked about expectations tonight. How we always expect everyone to disappoint us. Becuase everyone always will.
BUT if we go about always expecting the worse in people they will sense that and it will push them away.
I thought that was interesting. I am pretty sure that explains so many of my failed relationships. My doubts, my concerns... the fact that I am just waiting for the letdown, the heart break.
I never seemed to just let it go.

I wish I had.
But life cannot be lived in the past, or the wouldhaves and couldhaves that seem to plague our memories.
We can not allow ourselves to become haunted by thoughts of "if I only knew then..."
The past is the past for a reason. Its not coming back. There are no second chances, people never let you try again. As sad as that is.
All you can do is know for next time.
and smile.
smile that you learned and that life still has more to teach ya.
That is all a trial is right? Life and God teaching us.
Apparently I am pretty dumb ;)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

you don't care

you walk away.
So willing to let this; to let me go.

reminds me of many other relationships that ended similarly...

what do I do so wrong?
I know the answer.

I always just push away till I know there is no rescue.

There is no rescue for one like me.

Love is just another four letter word...

Lets be honest with our selves...
Who could deal with me any how...
who really would want to if they had any other option?

Lets just push on. Another day.
I got this. Don't fret, don't you worry.
Im ok, I am happy.
I got this for next time right?
I know who I am... and I like who I am. I have more confidence.
Maybe that will make all the difference the next time...
the next time.... very far away from now.