"There are lots of smart ideas in books I never read..."

     I wish I was a scholar. I wish I read a thousand books and could impress you with my knowledge. I wish I could make you smile with my witty humor. I wish that I could sometimes be the age that I feel, and not be seen as this little immature twenty one year old.  I feel so much different than other people my age. But really I just feel different than other people.

     I know who I want to be. Who do you want me to be?
I sometimes feel like everyone wants me to be somebody else. I just want to be me... and I just want that to be ok.
     But what if who I am or who I choose to be is someone that no one ever wants. What if I am someone no one can ever understand? I feel like that. I am someone no one understands. And I am undecided on if that is a good thing or not.

     I feel like in many conversations with mixed company lately the topic of dating has been coming up more and more. It is a frustrating topic. Apparently I have some very strong feelings on the issue and I suppose that could be a good and bad thing. A boy in my ward though tonight, well, he pretty much summarized exactly how I have been feeling on the topic of dating lately and it is this... I want to date someone, be with someone, who makes me want to be better. I want to be with someone who has  similar desires of righteousness as me. I want to be with someone who encourages me to be all that I can be and I want to encourage him. I want to be with someone where we both go to church, and that if we end up getting married someday I won't be the one getting up sunday mornings alone. I want someone who is a good guy and strives to please the Lord.
      But once again, there seems to be a problem. I don't seem to meet people like that. Or maybe they just don't let me know they are like that?  Or the people I do meet that are like that never seem to be interested in me.
But, once again, I must ask; "why is it bad that I just ignore dating?" I just don't have time for it now... and I have a lot of time to wait. I am only twenty one.

     Lately I have been thinking. Just thinking of life. Where I am, where I have been, where I am going. I have thought about myself. Who I am. I am a reflective person. I like to try and think things out.

     I think there are so many things I have yet to learn. There are so many things I have done that I wish I hadn't. So many bridges burned that I wish I had just never walked over. and Yet I know that I have walked the path that I am on for a reason. I know that it leads to greener valleys and I am willing to journey on ward till I find them, where ever they may be.

I know its not an easy path that I will continue to venture on, but I am willing to face it.
You are welcome to join me. I promise to never let go if you grab my hand. I promise to help you if you help me.

Can you see yourself through someone else's eyes?

And the words raced through my brain, like memories from long ago, haunting everything. "Have some faith, you are strong."
     But words are words. There is nothing there without action. So I hang my head now, for the things I have forgotten.
     I am strong. I see strength when I look in the mirror. But there are days I forget. There are times we all forget, just how strong we really are. But we can't dwell on days lived. We can't let them paint us old as we regret where we slipped and fell. We push on and learn. We remember our past as our future will tend to repeat itself.. If we let it, we have learned nothing. If we can change it, well, then we can see our strength and growth.
     Doubt destroys, faith fulfills. Pres. Monson said that. Why is it that I allow doubt to come in? Why is it that doubt can creep so easily and faith seems so much harder to grasp?
But on this side of the bridge I feel that doubt is nothing more than my fears. I can let them go. I can't see everything, true. Fog clouds my view here and there, but faith can carry me through it. I know that I will make it out. This path ends somewhere.

     The sun still shines my friends. You can see it, you can feel it. So why worry? "I wonder all the time why worry?" Have a little faith! The sun has never given into the night, it rises still everyday without fail. Somedays a little dimmer than others but still it comes out. What makes you any different?

     For all of you who ever doubted me, I can tell you now; I am living on my own. I am surviving all alone. and I am winning.  I still know who I am. I have not forgotten.

     Where are you? Who are you? Any clue?

and there is so much you just don't know.

     I have found myself today, just wanting to get away. Just wanting to run or drive (or fly) to a beach or to the mountains where I can just hide away unharmed or bothered. I can read, think, write, sing... be free. I want to just get away, away from this. This everyday same old same old that repeats and repeats and drives me to believe that the only happiness I will ever find will be when my head hits my pillow at night.
     I have been trying to figure out where faith comes in. And I know where now. I know where it comes. It comes at times like this where I don't see the light. Where I can't see how taking this path will ever make me happy. But I push on with full trust. That is when my faith kicks in. That is where I let go of my doubts and my longing to control. Becuase I don't see how my future will work out. How my desires can ever be met. But I push on. I endure on.

"I tie my handle bars to the stars so I stay on track. "

I find myself in awe with the sky. Its endless and beautiful. Its holds so much mystery. The sky is so much greater than I may even hope to be and yet here I am, so important? so Significant? so they say... I feel so powerless.

I want to fly away. Away and be alone. Where not even you, yes you can find me. You who I don't know. You won't even find me. And I will sit and ponder the wonders of this earth and all that God has created. And when I'm done I will fly back home. Home. Home? I am not sure I know where that is. Where are you?

If you want to fly away with me, I may let you. Ask nicely. I am fragile.

our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

     This month has been awesome. I have a new job, as a preschool teacher at a day care called the Kids Connection. I teach two year olds. Its fantastic.
     My brother moved up here and I actually have a family. It makes me so happy. He is the best kid. He has such a kind heart and just a good soul about him. He is the kind of kid that when you meet him you have to be his friend. He is just so cool.
     I have had other family issues arise lately and I refuse to deal with them. I refuse to be a part of it any longer. It drains me. so I just am letting it go. I can't let it hurt me anymore than it already has.
     I have worked 55 hours this week. And I am in a 4 credit math class. I won't lie, I am stressed.
     I wish I could say I have myself all figured out. All I can say is that I am so busy that I have no time to figure anything out, and a sick part of me likes that.
A part of me is happy that any free time I have is spent doing homework or planning my lessons for the next few days.
     I am glad I don't have time to think about what happened a year ago. About what was said and not said and how things were dealt with. I am glad my thoughts do not have to return to those painful times, those times that I can't change but haunt. I am glad I am too busy.
     I am glad that I have a new job. I am glad I don't spend all my time at JOANN any longer. I am so glad I don;t have to deal with angry guests and a huge messy store. I am glad I don't have to call people in for shifts or train new people at the register. I am glad I don't have to deal with crazy schedules and long hours of being walked all over. I am glad I don't have to be somewhere all the time any longer  where I look out the window to see a car that reminds me of what I don't have and what (I know its twisted...) I am apparently not good enough for. ( I know thats not true, but that thought crosses my mind every now and than.)
I am too busy to notice that everyone I know is dating or likes someone or has someone they are pursuing or vice versa. I am too busy to notice that I do not. I am too busy to do any of that anyways, I don't want it.
I am way to consumed with my crazy life to notice that I lie to myself when I say that.
     I know that everything in my life is good. I have complete trust and faith in God. But I can't help the quiet whispers every now and then that sadden my spirit.
But I know! I KNOW.  In time its all going to work out. Things won't be so crazy and this lonely heart of mine will not seek for someone to understand it.
I have faith that I can't control my situation but I can control my attitude and how I will handle things. I have faith in myself and that I can handle anything. I can handle anything AND I can do so in a rational manner.
     I know all of this. But sometimes I just have to admit that I have moments of weakness. There are days I am sad. Days I am discouraged. Days I don't understand.
     I Just press on. Keep myself super busy... super super busy.
I am excited to see where My road ends up.


side notes... This music video makes me so happy.
Click here for happiness

Pretty sure I am totally that type of woman. or at least I would be If I needed to save brandon flowers. No questions asked I would take down ninjas.

Times, they are a changing.

I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.

Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.

Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.

Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.

I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
"...play my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"

want to hear the song?

Throwing away the letters that I am writing you, cause they would never do, I would never do.

The weather has been so beautiful lately. Hot, but beautiful.
I am keeping myself busy and surrounded by people. Time flies by.
I am in love with Viktor Frankl's philosophy.
Here are some quotes from him I Love :
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl 


Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
Viktor E. Frankl 


Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor E. Frankl 



Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl 






I have been reading his book Man's search for meaning.  I absolutely love it. I am not quite done, but when I finish I will have to read it again becuase its so deep and full of great insight that rereading it will help me to understand it even more. There is so much in it to be learned.


I feel like his idea's of "changing yourself and your attitude becuase we can't change our situation", is something I have heard all my life and yet never believed. Which is foolish on my part really. I thought telling someone to choose to be happy was unkind and unsympathetic. How can some one choose to be happy when sadness is all around you? Shouldn't you just submit to what obviously the universe wants you to be? Doesn't trials, hard times and difficulties mean that God, the universe and/or Life hate you?
 It seemed ridiculous to me. But that is my inner child speaking, the one who doesn't understand how to deal with herself. Our mind is a marvelous thing. We have so much power over our attitudes which then has so much control over who we are and what we make of our situations. 
Difficult times are not life's way of saying you suck, give up! Rather it is Life's way of saying what can you become? What can you do with this? It is a challenge not a condemnation. 
We are in control of who we are and who we want to be.
I never realized this until recently. I never realized how different life can be when you just choose to submit to the hard times and still be happy. 
Life is so much different when I think "what am I to learn, how will I gain from this" verses "what have I done to deserve this".


There are days where we all feel down, life seems so uphill and we don't know what exactly we are living for. There are days I still forget that i am in charge of my attitude and my perceptions. 
But my challenge to myself is to not let those thoughts last too long. I hope to never give up. and to find the happiness, the meaning in everything that seems to have none. 
Life is relative to our attitude. It is what we make of it. Why would we want to make it miserable? Change is constant, and the change we can have inside ourselves should be as well. 

Break the chains that bind you.

     Sometimes laughing with good friends will make all the difference in the world.
These past few weeks have been crazy. And honestly, the old me would have given up... thrown my hands in the air, screamed and hid under my blanket for a few days. Really and truely... that old me would have crawled in bed and called into work.
But I am the new me. I'm better wiser & a more stable me.
I did not throw up my hands and admit defeat.
     Lets be honest... I cannot control everything. This I know. I can't control lying boys, broken cars, angry guests, Broken phones, Certain people hating your existence, crazy family,  or tired aching (sore, possibly sprained) feet.
     I can't do anything to stop any of that. BUT I can control my attitude. Yes, I did just say that.
Its so true though. I have always laughed at the idiots who say that. My entire life I have mocked and heavily ridiculed those stupid people who have the audacity to say, "choose to be happy and you will be happy. Get over it and smile."
      I am in no way saying you can just tell your self to be happy and BAM you are. But I do think that the mind is powerful. And the way you react to your trials and misfortunes will determine the quality of your life.
     I have found peace and balance in my once crazy and dysfunctional life. I have found better ways to channel my hostile feelings and angst. I have a better perspective on life and where I am going.
I have come to know myself and know who I want to be. I know that this has helped me so that these past few weeks have not broken me.
I am actually more ok than I have been in.. well my entire life.
I like who I am and where I am.
     Its a way nice feeling, you should try it.

For any one who is interested here is a few highlights of my past few weeks...

     1) I had a "guest" argue with me about wanting to buy a bucket we had sitting on the floor collecting the rain water. It was filled with brown water and had a label on its bottom from 2008. Needless to say after much argument I gave in to the wench of a women and smiled watching her leave my store. I honestly Can't believe someone would fight a twenty one year old girl over a plastic bucket of brown rain water. I wonder what else she fights for.. Like does she go to Wal mart and fight for them to sell her their sanitary trash cans in the women's restroom stalls? I wouldn't put it past her.

     2) I was in winco, which is by far the most amazing place on earth. I was down an aisle with 3 of my girl friends. We were talking and laughing. I started to dance for them. I shook my hips in that way that girls do when they are showing how risqué they can be when no one is looking. We all giggled and went on our way.  As we were walking out, a man looking exactly like tiger woods (even his clothing) taps me on the shoulder. His deep voice paralyzes me as I realize what he is saying... "I saw you dancing." My eyes are the only thing  that moved at this point as I watch him walk away and then he looked back to smile. Needless to say I should not be allowed out in public.

     3) I went on a date. Yup. It was awesome in and of itself. My favorite parts included ME driving up to West Valley and then driving us on this "date".  We get up to the restaurant, and I am starving. As we get out he informs me that he does not have his wallet. I wanted to make him go get his wallet but I am too hungry and being in the car longer with him seems like a worse alternative. We sit down and he does not stop talking to save his life. If there is an odd silence He breaks it with a noise, little humming or random fact. There were no questions asked by him about me, just him talking/making noise.
     He was very nice and pleasant please don't get me wrong and YES I know... beggars can't be choosers, but there was something a bit strange about him. This was confirmed when as I was dropping him off he stayed seated in my car as long as possible going on about music or computers. Finally when it was time for him to get out he looks down the road and sees a kid on a bike, He then breaks out into an improvised song with lyrics like such, "there is a kid on a bike and he is coming towards us, kid on a bike and he is coming towards us. Kid on a bike. kid on a bike... kid on a bike. And he passed us."
 I don't think we will be going out again anytime soon.

4) My mom called me today to ask if I want her to buy me some of the contacts she found at the dollar store. Don't worry they are not a dollar. They are 15$. and they have 85 different colors to choose from. My mom recommends the bright green or aqua. She is contemplating the purple too. Though the zebra stripes are her favorite. I really should get some...
Not exactly sure what else to say about this... I don't know if I should question the fact that she is buying contacts from the dollar store or if I should bring up the fact that she should not be wasting her hard earned disability/retirement money on such fun and entertaining ( and probably hazardous) accessories.
But, as she put it, Don't you just really get sick of your eye color sometimes?


I have about a billion other awesome stories of fun but I think that is all for tonight.
I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that life is good.
Hard times, crazy times, and difficult times make the good stories that i can smile about and retell saying, "Heck yes... I survived."