and I will be honest if you listen.

I am avoiding doing my paper that is due in 8 hours.

I wish you were here to distract me. Its been three days since we talked.
... you know I miss you.
I miss my best friend.

My roommate and I talked about expectations tonight. How we always expect everyone to disappoint us. Becuase everyone always will.
BUT if we go about always expecting the worse in people they will sense that and it will push them away.
I thought that was interesting. I am pretty sure that explains so many of my failed relationships. My doubts, my concerns... the fact that I am just waiting for the letdown, the heart break.
I never seemed to just let it go.

I wish I had.
But life cannot be lived in the past, or the wouldhaves and couldhaves that seem to plague our memories.
We can not allow ourselves to become haunted by thoughts of "if I only knew then..."
The past is the past for a reason. Its not coming back. There are no second chances, people never let you try again. As sad as that is.
All you can do is know for next time.
and smile.
smile that you learned and that life still has more to teach ya.
That is all a trial is right? Life and God teaching us.
Apparently I am pretty dumb ;)

definition of Irony.

I had my final today for my creative writing class. I chose to write a lot of pieces about my ex boyfriend, we will say his name is Steve. Steve left me 8 months ago and has never looked back. I have not heard a word from him and I have spent many a nights crying over how someone so close to you can simply leave. I have since been able to find closure. I owe a great deal of this closure to my writing for my class. i have been able to channel my feelings into words on paper and I feel they have turned out quite wonderful.

So today I arrived a bit behind schedule to the free parking lot at school. I saw the shuttle starting to leave the lot so I slammed the doors to my car and hauled my exceptionally heavy backpack over my shoulder, all the while carrying two awkward large boxes filled with pepperoni pizza. 

I caught up with the shuttle as it is at the stop sign preparing to turn on to oncoming traffic. I wave dramatically with my free hand and plea with the driver to open his doors.

He was very kind... and actually did. I stepped inside to see many faces staring at me. I felt pretty silly as I slid between two girls near the front of the bus. I was laughing. Trying to make conversation with someone... but everyone kept looking at me as if I was crazy. So I kept to myself tapping on my pizza boxes.

The shuttle stopped and a lot of people got off. I sighed, set down my pizzas and started to fumble through my back pack like a crazy.

I was still laughing and muttering under my breath to my self. I finally relaxed and started to look around the bus...

There at the back, averting his eyes, ignoring (like I would have excepted) my existence, was Steve.

I smiled to myself.

OF COARSE he is on the shuttle where I look like a maniac. OF COARSE the only time I see him this semester is here, now, with me looking ridiculous and while I am carrying a bunch of paper work in my back pack, revealing my feelings about him.

IRONY

I get off at the same stop as him, and I plow ahead trying not to look back.

I was still laughing at how hilarious God is sometimes as I walked in to my final.

A poem I wrote

I have to write a bunch of stuff for my final project for class...
Here is one of the things I wrote.

A Million Pieces of Me

My trembling hands

 reached forward

 as I laid my story out,

 for him to see.

But my grip slipped.

He flew away then,

Before I could even breathe.

His eyes grew into thin lines

and never looked at me

the same way again.

“We can work this out”

“Let’s start over”

“I messed up, 

I’m sorry”

I cried violently into the wind

that only carried him

 further away.

I became a million pieces

all longing for his return.

So here you are with glue, tape

and no experience,

trying to figure out 

his demolished creation

called me.

and so they say it again and again

They say I am pathetic. They say I live in the past... I am sad for not moving on...for being so stupid.
They say I am pathetic.
But look at where I have been... Step in to my worn out shoes and tell me please as you lace up the lead filled laces if they are uncomfortable for you.
Tell me if as you trot down the paths filled with boulders and thorns if you think its really that pathetic to hold on to better times?
Yes I know to want what once was is wrong... and I see where I fault. I see where I am as you say, irrational. Where I am silly and dumb.
But its hard to move on from a story thats end was so unfinished... a story that was left with such loose ends.
I am trying my best in all that I do, and sometimes Its sucks when no one else see's that.

But here is the thing my dear friend... I don't care that you don't see where I have come from and how much better I am now. I don't care that you think I am pathetic and lost and a loser holding on to nothing...
I see myself as a survivor... who is human. Who occasionally messes up and makes mistakes But I am a survivor. I am strong. and I don't need your approval.
I know that I may disappoint but maybe you just don't understand me.
If you did, you would sit and listen to me cry, instead of pushing me away and causing more tears to fall.
Don't worry, I don;t blame you really... you just don't know me. No one does.

All I wanted was you

"What do you do when you live in a zoo?" I was asked that the other day. He said his mom said that all the time while he was growing up. It brought a smile to my face thinking of him, just as right now I am smiling thinking of him.
Why is it that I can't be with him right now? Timing.
My past two relationships have taught me that timing is everything.
If its not the right time then you just move forward and pray to God that the next time it will be. But God has his own plans, and if he says its not right then you just trust... and pray that through the pain of loss, loneliness and heartache you will one day fine true happiness and love.

Lately I realized I have been longing for some closure. I know i'll never get it. And I know things will never be like they are in your memory. Its hard when you realize that people move on and become happy and that happened before I was happy and moved on. And that kind of hurt a lot.

I realized that when it comes to figuring out what I want to do for a major I just need to focus on what brings me the most happiness, and honestly I am still not sure. But I am getting closer.

I know that I like who I am. I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. I used to say,"well if he wants me to be like this, or act like this... i'll change." But I am who I am.
and I am not changing.

I need to do something therapeutic, like jump off a tall bridge into water, or color my hair... something to change it up. I am not the type of person who sits around with routine very well.
Routine frustrates me.

I just keep smiling.

you can tell, look at your face.

I have a lot of random thoughts going on in my head right now.
I just need to type it here so it can get off my chest.
Maybe If I type this, It will make sense and it can stop bugging me.

     I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How I miss him and blah blah blah.
... But here is the thing. I miss the way he treated me, the way were together... who he was with me... who I saw in him. I know he is not perfect. Actually, he see's himself as this evil jerk and Its sad becuase I never saw any of that in him. I saw this amazing, witty, clever, passionate guy who really can do anything. And he saw the best in me. I loved being with him becuase through our relationship, I saw what he saw in me... and the things about myself I didn't like, he helped me see that I could change them. He helped me see that I am so much more than what I had ever thought. He is a huge reason that I actually like who I am. I will forever be grateful for him.
     Maybe that is it... I am looking for someone who see's in me what he saw in me. For someone who is willing to take a risk on me. Every guy in my life right now looks at me as a friend or as not worth the risk. Which is fine, kinda funny really. They come to me and talk about other girls and their lives and such. And I am grateful to have awesome friends. But truth be told no one in my life has impacted me, has changed me, or even come close to being anything what my ex was to me.
     I hate that I have this memory in my mind that everyone has to measure up to now. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances... I am not one to write any one off but still. What he was to me and what he did for me... well, it changed my life. And people say, "You barely dated... get over it." I am over him, but I am not, I suppose over it... becuase what he did for me. What he was for me. I loved who I was with him.
     I do want to address that I knew he wasn't perfect. Many people try to say I idealized him. Which I have been trying very hard not to do. He had and has I suppose (I don't know him anymore) many faults. As we all do. Like I mentioned above, he saw himself as this horrible person... and maybe he is what he thinks.  I just think its sad, becuase I saw all his good traits and they overshadowed his faults. He "weakness" didn't seem to matter so much.
     Something I never got to tell him was that I never meant to hurt him, I was doing what I thought was right (and it was right for me at that time), I know that he is an amazing guy, who has gone through a lot and come out even stronger. I respect him for all he has gone through and for who I knew him to be.
     I don't know if he knew, but I hope he did, that I didn't love him becuase I loved and had a good relationship with his parents. I sometimes wondered if he thought that. Had their son been anyone else, I would have not fallen for him. I had never intended to fall for him. I had it in my mind that I was never allowed to. I was waiting for my missionary for crying out loud! But him and I fit together so perfectly, I was so comfortable around him and I felt like we were on the same page with everything... I couldn't help but fall.
      I do acknowledge that it was very soon after his mission. That most definitly was a factor in why it didn't work. We were both young and needed to grow. I knew that, that is why I don't regret breaking up with him. It was the right choice given the circumstances. I do regret that I was so indecisive and that I could't let go and trust the Lord. I understand, and do not blame him for leaving me and for no longer talking to me. I was clingy, needy, and couldn't just leave things up to the Lord. And that pushed him away and ruined any chance of any reconciliation. I wish I had been stronger, but now I am. Now I know better... and my trust lies fully in the hands of God. I know that he directs my life and he will not give me happiness only to take it away forever. As I remain faithful, I know with all of my heart I will be blessed. It may not be in my time bracket or in how I expect at the time... but I will be happy. I know that with every fiber of my being.
     My deepest secret and selfish desire is that I hope one day my ex and I will be friends again. And we can go for a long car ride and talk about how happy we are with where are lives have taken us. My prayer is that he is happy becuase he deserves that.
     I know we may never be a couple again, but I guess, I write this to publicly tell all 3 people who actually read this, that I know he is an awesome guy and I look back on his memory with no regret, but rather with gratitude for who he helped me to become.  I owe a lot to him. I truly loved him... I didn't know love, real love, until I met him. I am so glad I have felt that wonderful sensation.

I owe all I am to the Lord, and I am grateful that this path I am on is being directed by him. I know that no matter what trails lie ahead for me, things will be ok. Adversity is for my benefit. I am stronger becuase of all I have been through.

Writing this has been very therapeutic. I am glad I did. I needed this closure for myself.