It always comes right on back to you.

     There are so many thoughts running through my brain and yet all that I can seem to grasp is one constant sentence, "I want to runaway."
     Not to escape forever. Becuase I am not the type of girl to do that. But for a day or a week. I would like to go away. Alone. reconnect with myself. I wish I would have taken advantage of the times I spent alone. The moments when I had "Nothing to do".
Why did I complain about that so much and yet now I long for that.

     I saw her again tonight you know. That girl. That girl I finally now know. She was crying again. She has not done that in a while. And her tears ran down the curves of her cheeks only to release that pain from her past that she keeps so hidden deep inside.
     She didn't long for anyone though. She did not long for someone to come hold her and make all the pain disappear. She just cried. And as she cried she knew that it was through those tears she would learn and grow. She did not ask for the hurt to leave or the answers to be made more clear. Just for strength to move on. Happiness is promised to everyone in time. And its through our pain that we appreciate our happiness.

     The damage began 8 years ago. That was the tragic break that started it all. Others have chipped away at her since. And now she is left with a shapeless speck that has nothing left to give.
Why do we take what does not belong to us? Why do we break what we cannot repair?

I just want you to know, Becuase I don't think you do...You left without even realizing what you were leaving.

Times, they are a changing.

I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.

Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.

Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.

Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.

I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
"...play my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"

want to hear the song?

but what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight

The problem with silly movies all about love... is they make you miss what you don't have, and don't really want.
or at least what you tell your self you don't want... because let's be honest, we all want love.

I saw some sappy love movie tonight. It was funny and I laughed. After it I felt totally fine. I was apathetic towards love and just happy to be at the movie with friends.
Kevin looked at me, "well, the problem with romance movies is now we all will cry our selves to sleep knowing we will never have that..."
...

wonderful.
Just what i wanted to hear.

But then, I thought about it. You know what... I AM NOT DEPRESSED! I feel like I should be or something.. BUT I AM NOT!
Life is so much more then crying over who wants me and who doesn't.
Life is about me and the Lord. As long as I live my life doing what makes him happy and me happy... well It will all work out in the end.
I am not even worried.
and I am loving my life. All my moments of being what I am, and being able to discover who I am.
Because I am a pretty awesome person, and its sad It has taken me twenty one years to finally believe that.