our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

     This month has been awesome. I have a new job, as a preschool teacher at a day care called the Kids Connection. I teach two year olds. Its fantastic.
     My brother moved up here and I actually have a family. It makes me so happy. He is the best kid. He has such a kind heart and just a good soul about him. He is the kind of kid that when you meet him you have to be his friend. He is just so cool.
     I have had other family issues arise lately and I refuse to deal with them. I refuse to be a part of it any longer. It drains me. so I just am letting it go. I can't let it hurt me anymore than it already has.
     I have worked 55 hours this week. And I am in a 4 credit math class. I won't lie, I am stressed.
     I wish I could say I have myself all figured out. All I can say is that I am so busy that I have no time to figure anything out, and a sick part of me likes that.
A part of me is happy that any free time I have is spent doing homework or planning my lessons for the next few days.
     I am glad I don't have time to think about what happened a year ago. About what was said and not said and how things were dealt with. I am glad my thoughts do not have to return to those painful times, those times that I can't change but haunt. I am glad I am too busy.
     I am glad that I have a new job. I am glad I don't spend all my time at JOANN any longer. I am so glad I don;t have to deal with angry guests and a huge messy store. I am glad I don't have to call people in for shifts or train new people at the register. I am glad I don't have to deal with crazy schedules and long hours of being walked all over. I am glad I don't have to be somewhere all the time any longer  where I look out the window to see a car that reminds me of what I don't have and what (I know its twisted...) I am apparently not good enough for. ( I know thats not true, but that thought crosses my mind every now and than.)
I am too busy to notice that everyone I know is dating or likes someone or has someone they are pursuing or vice versa. I am too busy to notice that I do not. I am too busy to do any of that anyways, I don't want it.
I am way to consumed with my crazy life to notice that I lie to myself when I say that.
     I know that everything in my life is good. I have complete trust and faith in God. But I can't help the quiet whispers every now and then that sadden my spirit.
But I know! I KNOW.  In time its all going to work out. Things won't be so crazy and this lonely heart of mine will not seek for someone to understand it.
I have faith that I can't control my situation but I can control my attitude and how I will handle things. I have faith in myself and that I can handle anything. I can handle anything AND I can do so in a rational manner.
     I know all of this. But sometimes I just have to admit that I have moments of weakness. There are days I am sad. Days I am discouraged. Days I don't understand.
     I Just press on. Keep myself super busy... super super busy.
I am excited to see where My road ends up.


side notes... This music video makes me so happy.
Click here for happiness

Pretty sure I am totally that type of woman. or at least I would be If I needed to save brandon flowers. No questions asked I would take down ninjas.

you don't care

you walk away.
So willing to let this; to let me go.

reminds me of many other relationships that ended similarly...

what do I do so wrong?
I know the answer.

I always just push away till I know there is no rescue.

There is no rescue for one like me.

Love is just another four letter word...

Lets be honest with our selves...
Who could deal with me any how...
who really would want to if they had any other option?


Lets just push on. Another day.
I got this. Don't fret, don't you worry.
Im ok, I am happy.
I got this for next time right?
I know who I am... and I like who I am. I have more confidence.
Maybe that will make all the difference the next time...
the next time.... very far away from now.
please.

definition of Irony.

I had my final today for my creative writing class. I chose to write a lot of pieces about my ex boyfriend, we will say his name is Steve. Steve left me 8 months ago and has never looked back. I have not heard a word from him and I have spent many a nights crying over how someone so close to you can simply leave. I have since been able to find closure. I owe a great deal of this closure to my writing for my class. i have been able to channel my feelings into words on paper and I feel they have turned out quite wonderful.

So today I arrived a bit behind schedule to the free parking lot at school. I saw the shuttle starting to leave the lot so I slammed the doors to my car and hauled my exceptionally heavy backpack over my shoulder, all the while carrying two awkward large boxes filled with pepperoni pizza. 

I caught up with the shuttle as it is at the stop sign preparing to turn on to oncoming traffic. I wave dramatically with my free hand and plea with the driver to open his doors.

He was very kind... and actually did. I stepped inside to see many faces staring at me. I felt pretty silly as I slid between two girls near the front of the bus. I was laughing. Trying to make conversation with someone... but everyone kept looking at me as if I was crazy. So I kept to myself tapping on my pizza boxes.

The shuttle stopped and a lot of people got off. I sighed, set down my pizzas and started to fumble through my back pack like a crazy.

I was still laughing and muttering under my breath to my self. I finally relaxed and started to look around the bus...

There at the back, averting his eyes, ignoring (like I would have excepted) my existence, was Steve.

I smiled to myself.

OF COARSE he is on the shuttle where I look like a maniac. OF COARSE the only time I see him this semester is here, now, with me looking ridiculous and while I am carrying a bunch of paper work in my back pack, revealing my feelings about him.

IRONY

I get off at the same stop as him, and I plow ahead trying not to look back.

I was still laughing at how hilarious God is sometimes as I walked in to my final.

A poem I wrote

I have to write a bunch of stuff for my final project for class...
Here is one of the things I wrote.

A Million Pieces of Me

My trembling hands

 reached forward

 as I laid my story out,

 for him to see.

But my grip slipped.

He flew away then,

Before I could even breathe.

His eyes grew into thin lines

and never looked at me

the same way again.

“We can work this out”

“Let’s start over”

“I messed up, 

I’m sorry”

I cried violently into the wind

that only carried him

 further away.

I became a million pieces

all longing for his return.

So here you are with glue, tape

and no experience,

trying to figure out 

his demolished creation

called me.

you can tell, look at your face.

I have a lot of random thoughts going on in my head right now.
I just need to type it here so it can get off my chest.
Maybe If I type this, It will make sense and it can stop bugging me.

     I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How I miss him and blah blah blah.
... But here is the thing. I miss the way he treated me, the way were together... who he was with me... who I saw in him. I know he is not perfect. Actually, he see's himself as this evil jerk and Its sad becuase I never saw any of that in him. I saw this amazing, witty, clever, passionate guy who really can do anything. And he saw the best in me. I loved being with him becuase through our relationship, I saw what he saw in me... and the things about myself I didn't like, he helped me see that I could change them. He helped me see that I am so much more than what I had ever thought. He is a huge reason that I actually like who I am. I will forever be grateful for him.
     Maybe that is it... I am looking for someone who see's in me what he saw in me. For someone who is willing to take a risk on me. Every guy in my life right now looks at me as a friend or as not worth the risk. Which is fine, kinda funny really. They come to me and talk about other girls and their lives and such. And I am grateful to have awesome friends. But truth be told no one in my life has impacted me, has changed me, or even come close to being anything what my ex was to me.
     I hate that I have this memory in my mind that everyone has to measure up to now. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances... I am not one to write any one off but still. What he was to me and what he did for me... well, it changed my life. And people say, "You barely dated... get over it." I am over him, but I am not, I suppose over it... becuase what he did for me. What he was for me. I loved who I was with him.
     I do want to address that I knew he wasn't perfect. Many people try to say I idealized him. Which I have been trying very hard not to do. He had and has I suppose (I don't know him anymore) many faults. As we all do. Like I mentioned above, he saw himself as this horrible person... and maybe he is what he thinks.  I just think its sad, becuase I saw all his good traits and they overshadowed his faults. He "weakness" didn't seem to matter so much.
     Something I never got to tell him was that I never meant to hurt him, I was doing what I thought was right (and it was right for me at that time), I know that he is an amazing guy, who has gone through a lot and come out even stronger. I respect him for all he has gone through and for who I knew him to be.
     I don't know if he knew, but I hope he did, that I didn't love him becuase I loved and had a good relationship with his parents. I sometimes wondered if he thought that. Had their son been anyone else, I would have not fallen for him. I had never intended to fall for him. I had it in my mind that I was never allowed to. I was waiting for my missionary for crying out loud! But him and I fit together so perfectly, I was so comfortable around him and I felt like we were on the same page with everything... I couldn't help but fall.
      I do acknowledge that it was very soon after his mission. That most definitly was a factor in why it didn't work. We were both young and needed to grow. I knew that, that is why I don't regret breaking up with him. It was the right choice given the circumstances. I do regret that I was so indecisive and that I could't let go and trust the Lord. I understand, and do not blame him for leaving me and for no longer talking to me. I was clingy, needy, and couldn't just leave things up to the Lord. And that pushed him away and ruined any chance of any reconciliation. I wish I had been stronger, but now I am. Now I know better... and my trust lies fully in the hands of God. I know that he directs my life and he will not give me happiness only to take it away forever. As I remain faithful, I know with all of my heart I will be blessed. It may not be in my time bracket or in how I expect at the time... but I will be happy. I know that with every fiber of my being.
     My deepest secret and selfish desire is that I hope one day my ex and I will be friends again. And we can go for a long car ride and talk about how happy we are with where are lives have taken us. My prayer is that he is happy becuase he deserves that.
     I know we may never be a couple again, but I guess, I write this to publicly tell all 3 people who actually read this, that I know he is an awesome guy and I look back on his memory with no regret, but rather with gratitude for who he helped me to become.  I owe a lot to him. I truly loved him... I didn't know love, real love, until I met him. I am so glad I have felt that wonderful sensation.

I owe all I am to the Lord, and I am grateful that this path I am on is being directed by him. I know that no matter what trails lie ahead for me, things will be ok. Adversity is for my benefit. I am stronger becuase of all I have been through.

Writing this has been very therapeutic. I am glad I did. I needed this closure for myself.

maybe its just my thought process

I hate to be sick. I hate feeling like such a waste. Wanting so badly to get up, do homework, go to school and or work.. and yet my body seems unable to anything but lie in bed and ache.

I have not been sick since .. well june when I had the swine flu. And my biggest problem was realizing that and saying it out loud... as soon as I did that I jinxed myself... and here I am.

Other than that I am busy with school and work. I hate work. I hate the place I work and everyday is a miserable experience. But I go anyways... you know to pay the bills.

I love school. I like to learn and meet people. I like to interact with others and have conversations in which I feel intelligent and well, sometimes even cool. yes, I sometimes feel cool. Even though I know I am not what webster's dictionary would describe as such.

none the less... I enjoy school.

I often ask myself, why am I still unhappy?

I have a great religion that gives me hope, I have school, I have friends... why is it that sometimes I find it hard to smile?

I think its because I have not forgiven myself... I need to do that.

You see a few months back, I had a great guy in my life who I loved very much. But I pushed him away... like I have done to a lot of guys... But for some reason... I can't seem to let this go. I can't seem to forgive myself.

I figure I will in time. It gets easier as time goes on and such... But in the back of my head I keep blaming myself for ruining something that was really great.

and I suppose that is where my problem is... I just need to realize its all in the Lords hands. Trust him and move on.

and I do...

Its just well, you know... the days where I miss...

anyways the point is...

I have a great life. I am a lucky girl.

I have learned a lot in my life, especially lately. Things are not easy, but I get by.

and I am Happy. Happy for all I have.

and I am blessed to be who I am.

what else can you ask for?