I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to. Nothing ever is what it may seem to be. Things don't stay the same forever. Change is inevitable in every aspect of life. Embracing change... learning how to deal with it is the key. The key I have not quite grasped yet. But I am working on it.

I don't ever seem to fully understand myself. I think I have the world figured out, I have myself figured out and than something will come out of nowhere and catch you off guard. That is not always bad, but for me who is constantly looking for stability and consistency it can be a bit unnerving.

I have been extremely blessed lately. I have very little to complain about. And yet in the midst of my happiness comes my ever occurring doubts. The doubts that make me wonder if I am doing what is right. I am aways second guessing myself. Wondering if I am being stupid. Wondering if there lies in the past something I will regret. Wondering if I am doing what is right... what if I just think its right and I am wrong. What if I am wrong?
There comes a time when you have to stop listening to the doubts.. (the doubts that are a lot less loud this time remarkably). There comes a time when you jump. You just jump and trust God and stop worrying.
God will not guide us somewhere that is second best.
I need to learn how to separate fiction from truth. Imaginary from reality. I need to learn how to trust in my answers and my happiness... I need to realize that I deserve to be happy despite what I may have been conditioned to believe. I need to not sabotage a good thing and just let it happen.

I need to learn how to Trust. Sounds like something I have heard before...

I need to allow myself to be happy.

The past is a wonderful place to visit from time to time... but if we never take a step out of the past, if we stay there holding on so tightly to what WE think is best for us, to what we think is supposed to be our path than we will miss life. We will miss opportunities.
Yes, the past is safe, becuase we already know it. and the future is uncertain, scary, and unknown. But if we don't trust we will stay at a mediocre level of happiness instead of the eternal blissful happiness we have been promised. Trust God. Trust that as we pray and live the way we should our lives will unfold in the way that is best for us.

Letting go is hard. Moving forward can hurt. But there is happiness up ahead. We just need to jump out there and free fall into the future.

I know this is a good thing. I can feel it.
I am just so bound by a past that broke me...

Be patient. I can over come. I climb mountains... so this, this is nothing.
You are worth this.

"There are lots of smart ideas in books I never read..."

     I wish I was a scholar. I wish I read a thousand books and could impress you with my knowledge. I wish I could make you smile with my witty humor. I wish that I could sometimes be the age that I feel, and not be seen as this little immature twenty one year old.  I feel so much different than other people my age. But really I just feel different than other people.

     I know who I want to be. Who do you want me to be?
I sometimes feel like everyone wants me to be somebody else. I just want to be me... and I just want that to be ok.
     But what if who I am or who I choose to be is someone that no one ever wants. What if I am someone no one can ever understand? I feel like that. I am someone no one understands. And I am undecided on if that is a good thing or not.

     I feel like in many conversations with mixed company lately the topic of dating has been coming up more and more. It is a frustrating topic. Apparently I have some very strong feelings on the issue and I suppose that could be a good and bad thing. A boy in my ward though tonight, well, he pretty much summarized exactly how I have been feeling on the topic of dating lately and it is this... I want to date someone, be with someone, who makes me want to be better. I want to be with someone who has  similar desires of righteousness as me. I want to be with someone who encourages me to be all that I can be and I want to encourage him. I want to be with someone where we both go to church, and that if we end up getting married someday I won't be the one getting up sunday mornings alone. I want someone who is a good guy and strives to please the Lord.
      But once again, there seems to be a problem. I don't seem to meet people like that. Or maybe they just don't let me know they are like that?  Or the people I do meet that are like that never seem to be interested in me.
But, once again, I must ask; "why is it bad that I just ignore dating?" I just don't have time for it now... and I have a lot of time to wait. I am only twenty one.

     Lately I have been thinking. Just thinking of life. Where I am, where I have been, where I am going. I have thought about myself. Who I am. I am a reflective person. I like to try and think things out.

     I think there are so many things I have yet to learn. There are so many things I have done that I wish I hadn't. So many bridges burned that I wish I had just never walked over. and Yet I know that I have walked the path that I am on for a reason. I know that it leads to greener valleys and I am willing to journey on ward till I find them, where ever they may be.

I know its not an easy path that I will continue to venture on, but I am willing to face it.
You are welcome to join me. I promise to never let go if you grab my hand. I promise to help you if you help me.

Can you see yourself through someone else's eyes?

And the words raced through my brain, like memories from long ago, haunting everything. "Have some faith, you are strong."
     But words are words. There is nothing there without action. So I hang my head now, for the things I have forgotten.
     I am strong. I see strength when I look in the mirror. But there are days I forget. There are times we all forget, just how strong we really are. But we can't dwell on days lived. We can't let them paint us old as we regret where we slipped and fell. We push on and learn. We remember our past as our future will tend to repeat itself.. If we let it, we have learned nothing. If we can change it, well, then we can see our strength and growth.
     Doubt destroys, faith fulfills. Pres. Monson said that. Why is it that I allow doubt to come in? Why is it that doubt can creep so easily and faith seems so much harder to grasp?
But on this side of the bridge I feel that doubt is nothing more than my fears. I can let them go. I can't see everything, true. Fog clouds my view here and there, but faith can carry me through it. I know that I will make it out. This path ends somewhere.

     The sun still shines my friends. You can see it, you can feel it. So why worry? "I wonder all the time why worry?" Have a little faith! The sun has never given into the night, it rises still everyday without fail. Somedays a little dimmer than others but still it comes out. What makes you any different?

     For all of you who ever doubted me, I can tell you now; I am living on my own. I am surviving all alone. and I am winning.  I still know who I am. I have not forgotten.

     Where are you? Who are you? Any clue?

Its not really a surprise

 I have been feeling a lot happier lately. I owe that to my church attendance, reading scriptures and more positive outlook. I was having such a bad time. I kept loathing myself and finding silly things to freak out over and I was mad about things that are out of my control. But I am better now. I am breathing.

I started talking to some boy, because that is what you do as a single person right? I invested interest, and last night things got kind of dramatic because of miscommunications, (not either of our faults) but after wards him and I talked and it was nice to hear we are both on the same page about things.  BUT, (isn't there always a but)... He told me about this girl that he "used" to date, who He loved. He had wrote her on his mission. He is now talking to her still, and He told me how if the chance arose he would drop everything to date her. I do not judge him or blame him at all. ... I know the feeling all to well actually. Lucky for him he talks to his ex. He is still friends and there might actually be a chance with the person who he thinks is best for him.... anyways, my point; I don't want to date, invest time and energy in someone, who is in love with someone else. Who holds some one else in high esteem and I can never be that person ( and i must note that I don't even know him so I don't know If I would even want to be... but just saying).

Any ways, I still also hold new relationships, new meetings of males, to my past relationship. I am looking for something like what I felt with my ex. Is that bad? I don't think so. I am not holding on to my ex. I am not in love with him still. I just appreciate what we had and I know I want something like that some day. 

(The only bitterness I have is that he never told me what I did, he just left. Never spoke to me. Broke all his promises and didn't want to give me a chance to change or be forgiven for hurting him. ) ...OH hahaha... none of that matters. All that matters is that I have learned a great deal from all this. 

Why is dating so important around here? I am really happy alone. I know the right guy will come along in time. and until then... some one PLEASE help me choose a major!

I did a short skit in my theatre class today and realized how much I miss acting....

SO MUCH.

Who knows If I will follow that feeling. But That right now is what I am focusing on... ME. WHAT DO I WANT?  .... I have no idea.....      ok Janelle.... time to find out. :)