We can just dance the night away.

     I went to an institute dance last night with some of the greatest people alive. I am not a huge fan of dancing or social gatherings (especially those which are focused around the idea of everyone dating becuase I usually feel pretty awkward while everyone stares at you and tries to see if you are worth asking out! ha.) but I had a lot of fun regardless. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself. It was definitely an evening I do not regret.

  
     As of late I have had a lot of time to think about the future and how it always seem to be that I am waiting for something. I hate that feeling. Waiting. Especially when I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for. I know that it is so important to gain patience while I wait, yet the test is how?
      Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk last conference about patience. You can see it here.
     I realize that patience is essential to becoming perfect. Patience shows that we can put our desires on hold for a time and then we do what the Lord would have us do. I find that it is hard to submit to the will of the Lord sometimes and not becuase I don't love him or I don't want to follow him but becuase I don't exactly know what is in store. It is scary to walk down a dark path with only a light that shines 5 inches in front of you.
     So once again I return to this ever present concept of Faith. I must learn to put all my faith in God and place my doubts and struggles at his feet. I know that if do this and just press forward that my burdens will be light and that I will be able to see where it is this dark and scary path leads.
     The world is so big. It is easy to get lost, lose your way and forget what is important. I have done that. I refuse to again. I know where I want to be now and even though I don't have all the answers to life's many mysteries I have the answers that matter.
     I know how to gain happiness.

     I realize that what we all desire is happiness and only happiness. When sadness comes we cry out to the seemingly empty sky, "Why can't I just be happy?" We moan and groan and look forward to those better times or sometimes we hold on to our past happy memories waiting for them to return.
I submit that we should be grateful for those sad moments. Those times that make us scream out in utter despair  and feel like we may never smile again. Becuase those are the moments that have really taught us what happiness is. Those moments have brought us to our knees only so we could feel that sweet peace that can comfort us. To show us that sunshine can follow a storm. We would never appreciate the sun if we didn't have those gloomy days. We would never appreciate the happiness that comes in life if we did not have sadness and loss.
I am going to work harder on trying to remember that.
I am going to work harder on enduring well and being patient through the hard times.

 

I know there is always a way to dance in the rain.

Times, they are a changing.

I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.

Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.

Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.

Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.

I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
"...play my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"

want to hear the song?

shot through the heart, and you're too late

Ever have those days where you want to go to bed and never wake up?
I have them a lot. But today I chose to go talk to my friend, instead of admitting defeat. I feel a million times better.
I was able to see where I am in life, how I got here and this far... and That I am doing great.
I am so glad.
I am so grateful to God for how far I have come.
I know I am young, what do I really know about life?
But I know that I have been through a lot for my young age.
And I have come out alive, and kicking.

I am very happy right now, and grateful for all I know.
This is a short pointless post... but it needed to be said.

you can tell, look at your face.

I have a lot of random thoughts going on in my head right now.
I just need to type it here so it can get off my chest.
Maybe If I type this, It will make sense and it can stop bugging me.

     I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately. How I miss him and blah blah blah.
... But here is the thing. I miss the way he treated me, the way were together... who he was with me... who I saw in him. I know he is not perfect. Actually, he see's himself as this evil jerk and Its sad becuase I never saw any of that in him. I saw this amazing, witty, clever, passionate guy who really can do anything. And he saw the best in me. I loved being with him becuase through our relationship, I saw what he saw in me... and the things about myself I didn't like, he helped me see that I could change them. He helped me see that I am so much more than what I had ever thought. He is a huge reason that I actually like who I am. I will forever be grateful for him.
     Maybe that is it... I am looking for someone who see's in me what he saw in me. For someone who is willing to take a risk on me. Every guy in my life right now looks at me as a friend or as not worth the risk. Which is fine, kinda funny really. They come to me and talk about other girls and their lives and such. And I am grateful to have awesome friends. But truth be told no one in my life has impacted me, has changed me, or even come close to being anything what my ex was to me.
     I hate that I have this memory in my mind that everyone has to measure up to now. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances... I am not one to write any one off but still. What he was to me and what he did for me... well, it changed my life. And people say, "You barely dated... get over it." I am over him, but I am not, I suppose over it... becuase what he did for me. What he was for me. I loved who I was with him.
     I do want to address that I knew he wasn't perfect. Many people try to say I idealized him. Which I have been trying very hard not to do. He had and has I suppose (I don't know him anymore) many faults. As we all do. Like I mentioned above, he saw himself as this horrible person... and maybe he is what he thinks.  I just think its sad, becuase I saw all his good traits and they overshadowed his faults. He "weakness" didn't seem to matter so much.
     Something I never got to tell him was that I never meant to hurt him, I was doing what I thought was right (and it was right for me at that time), I know that he is an amazing guy, who has gone through a lot and come out even stronger. I respect him for all he has gone through and for who I knew him to be.
     I don't know if he knew, but I hope he did, that I didn't love him becuase I loved and had a good relationship with his parents. I sometimes wondered if he thought that. Had their son been anyone else, I would have not fallen for him. I had never intended to fall for him. I had it in my mind that I was never allowed to. I was waiting for my missionary for crying out loud! But him and I fit together so perfectly, I was so comfortable around him and I felt like we were on the same page with everything... I couldn't help but fall.
      I do acknowledge that it was very soon after his mission. That most definitly was a factor in why it didn't work. We were both young and needed to grow. I knew that, that is why I don't regret breaking up with him. It was the right choice given the circumstances. I do regret that I was so indecisive and that I could't let go and trust the Lord. I understand, and do not blame him for leaving me and for no longer talking to me. I was clingy, needy, and couldn't just leave things up to the Lord. And that pushed him away and ruined any chance of any reconciliation. I wish I had been stronger, but now I am. Now I know better... and my trust lies fully in the hands of God. I know that he directs my life and he will not give me happiness only to take it away forever. As I remain faithful, I know with all of my heart I will be blessed. It may not be in my time bracket or in how I expect at the time... but I will be happy. I know that with every fiber of my being.
     My deepest secret and selfish desire is that I hope one day my ex and I will be friends again. And we can go for a long car ride and talk about how happy we are with where are lives have taken us. My prayer is that he is happy becuase he deserves that.
     I know we may never be a couple again, but I guess, I write this to publicly tell all 3 people who actually read this, that I know he is an awesome guy and I look back on his memory with no regret, but rather with gratitude for who he helped me to become.  I owe a lot to him. I truly loved him... I didn't know love, real love, until I met him. I am so glad I have felt that wonderful sensation.

I owe all I am to the Lord, and I am grateful that this path I am on is being directed by him. I know that no matter what trails lie ahead for me, things will be ok. Adversity is for my benefit. I am stronger becuase of all I have been through.

Writing this has been very therapeutic. I am glad I did. I needed this closure for myself.

and I knew you could never forget me

     I am so grateful for the blessings that God gives me. Hands down, I don't recognize how much I really have enough.  And honestly, its terrible. I have a really awesome life.
I came home from a night of work to find that my roommate had cleaned and vacuumed my room. To some this may not sound like a big deal, but my room is well, the most disgusting place on earth. It must have taken her 4 hours, easy! But she would't tell me, she just smiled and apologized if things were out of place. She is amazing and wonderful. I am so blessed.
     And having the best roommate ever isn't my only blessing but it is one of them. I just was thinking tonight about how I don't recognize how much God does for me. I find myself complaining more often than not about things that I don't have, or I think I need. I don't take enough time to just smile and realize that my life is great. Things are under control. The Lord has a plan for me and he is aware of my situation.
     Sometimes its hard to put all your trust in God, and be confident that the best things will come in the future for you. I hate not knowing the future. These past few years that has been one of my many struggles; trusting God when I cannot see the future.

     I had a great day today. Work was busy but not bad. No one yelled too bad at me.(BAM ...blessing... see how many there are?!)
My room was magically cleaned.
This cute guy asked me to hang out, and I enjoyed myself. He probably won't call again, but still not bad.
I got most of my home work done.

     So yeah, there are days I cry and scream and complain that things suck and don't make sense. And there are times I want to yell and say I am alone. Life is not fair... But at those times, I need to realize that          I am ok. Things are not as bad as I think.
     I need to remember that.
     I some how always forget.