Break the chains that bind you.

     Sometimes laughing with good friends will make all the difference in the world.
These past few weeks have been crazy. And honestly, the old me would have given up... thrown my hands in the air, screamed and hid under my blanket for a few days. Really and truely... that old me would have crawled in bed and called into work.
But I am the new me. I'm better wiser & a more stable me.
I did not throw up my hands and admit defeat.
     Lets be honest... I cannot control everything. This I know. I can't control lying boys, broken cars, angry guests, Broken phones, Certain people hating your existence, crazy family,  or tired aching (sore, possibly sprained) feet.
     I can't do anything to stop any of that. BUT I can control my attitude. Yes, I did just say that.
Its so true though. I have always laughed at the idiots who say that. My entire life I have mocked and heavily ridiculed those stupid people who have the audacity to say, "choose to be happy and you will be happy. Get over it and smile."
      I am in no way saying you can just tell your self to be happy and BAM you are. But I do think that the mind is powerful. And the way you react to your trials and misfortunes will determine the quality of your life.
     I have found peace and balance in my once crazy and dysfunctional life. I have found better ways to channel my hostile feelings and angst. I have a better perspective on life and where I am going.
I have come to know myself and know who I want to be. I know that this has helped me so that these past few weeks have not broken me.
I am actually more ok than I have been in.. well my entire life.
I like who I am and where I am.
     Its a way nice feeling, you should try it.

For any one who is interested here is a few highlights of my past few weeks...

     1) I had a "guest" argue with me about wanting to buy a bucket we had sitting on the floor collecting the rain water. It was filled with brown water and had a label on its bottom from 2008. Needless to say after much argument I gave in to the wench of a women and smiled watching her leave my store. I honestly Can't believe someone would fight a twenty one year old girl over a plastic bucket of brown rain water. I wonder what else she fights for.. Like does she go to Wal mart and fight for them to sell her their sanitary trash cans in the women's restroom stalls? I wouldn't put it past her.

     2) I was in winco, which is by far the most amazing place on earth. I was down an aisle with 3 of my girl friends. We were talking and laughing. I started to dance for them. I shook my hips in that way that girls do when they are showing how risqué they can be when no one is looking. We all giggled and went on our way.  As we were walking out, a man looking exactly like tiger woods (even his clothing) taps me on the shoulder. His deep voice paralyzes me as I realize what he is saying... "I saw you dancing." My eyes are the only thing  that moved at this point as I watch him walk away and then he looked back to smile. Needless to say I should not be allowed out in public.

     3) I went on a date. Yup. It was awesome in and of itself. My favorite parts included ME driving up to West Valley and then driving us on this "date".  We get up to the restaurant, and I am starving. As we get out he informs me that he does not have his wallet. I wanted to make him go get his wallet but I am too hungry and being in the car longer with him seems like a worse alternative. We sit down and he does not stop talking to save his life. If there is an odd silence He breaks it with a noise, little humming or random fact. There were no questions asked by him about me, just him talking/making noise.
     He was very nice and pleasant please don't get me wrong and YES I know... beggars can't be choosers, but there was something a bit strange about him. This was confirmed when as I was dropping him off he stayed seated in my car as long as possible going on about music or computers. Finally when it was time for him to get out he looks down the road and sees a kid on a bike, He then breaks out into an improvised song with lyrics like such, "there is a kid on a bike and he is coming towards us, kid on a bike and he is coming towards us. Kid on a bike. kid on a bike... kid on a bike. And he passed us."
 I don't think we will be going out again anytime soon.

4) My mom called me today to ask if I want her to buy me some of the contacts she found at the dollar store. Don't worry they are not a dollar. They are 15$. and they have 85 different colors to choose from. My mom recommends the bright green or aqua. She is contemplating the purple too. Though the zebra stripes are her favorite. I really should get some...
Not exactly sure what else to say about this... I don't know if I should question the fact that she is buying contacts from the dollar store or if I should bring up the fact that she should not be wasting her hard earned disability/retirement money on such fun and entertaining ( and probably hazardous) accessories.
But, as she put it, Don't you just really get sick of your eye color sometimes?


I have about a billion other awesome stories of fun but I think that is all for tonight.
I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that life is good.
Hard times, crazy times, and difficult times make the good stories that i can smile about and retell saying, "Heck yes... I survived."

and I will be honest if you listen.

I am avoiding doing my paper that is due in 8 hours.

I wish you were here to distract me. Its been three days since we talked.
... you know I miss you.
I miss my best friend.

My roommate and I talked about expectations tonight. How we always expect everyone to disappoint us. Becuase everyone always will.
BUT if we go about always expecting the worse in people they will sense that and it will push them away.
I thought that was interesting. I am pretty sure that explains so many of my failed relationships. My doubts, my concerns... the fact that I am just waiting for the letdown, the heart break.
I never seemed to just let it go.

I wish I had.
But life cannot be lived in the past, or the wouldhaves and couldhaves that seem to plague our memories.
We can not allow ourselves to become haunted by thoughts of "if I only knew then..."
The past is the past for a reason. Its not coming back. There are no second chances, people never let you try again. As sad as that is.
All you can do is know for next time.
and smile.
smile that you learned and that life still has more to teach ya.
That is all a trial is right? Life and God teaching us.
Apparently I am pretty dumb ;)

shot through the heart, and you're too late

Ever have those days where you want to go to bed and never wake up?
I have them a lot. But today I chose to go talk to my friend, instead of admitting defeat. I feel a million times better.
I was able to see where I am in life, how I got here and this far... and That I am doing great.
I am so glad.
I am so grateful to God for how far I have come.
I know I am young, what do I really know about life?
But I know that I have been through a lot for my young age.
And I have come out alive, and kicking.

I am very happy right now, and grateful for all I know.
This is a short pointless post... but it needed to be said.

every cowboy sings their sad sad song.

I don't think I know what you mean to me... You are a great friend. and I know you feel like you live in the shadow of my ex. which may be true.
I don't think relationships are meant for me right now...
because I don't seem to understand myself or my feelings.

I just know that no one has every been so nice, forgiving, kind, loving and understanding as you are to me.
You are one in a million.
and yet I choose to be alone.

and when the timing is right, to sneak out into night

Yesterday was not a super fun day. I had school from 10am until 8:30pm.
I went to lunch with my friend who is getting married and that was wonderful. She is awesome and she lifted my spirits.
But my last class at 6 is philosophy. I got my mid term back and it was a B-. Not what I was expecting. I was disappointed. Then a bunch of other stuff occurred, and I became very depressed. I was sitting in my class holding back tears, I was so overwhelmed.
My friend in that class gave me a ride. He could tell I was upset and kept asking if I was ok. I couldn't talk about it. But it was really nice that he cared. It made me feel very loved.
I went home, sat on bed and collected myself.
I went downstairs and my roommates made me laugh, and smile so I started to feel better.
BUT what really made my night, was my dear friend came over, made me brownies and ice cream and helped me with my biology. He is the nicest guy alive. And he will probably never realize how what he did for me changed my entire night. He is awesome. I don't even think he knows. And when he meets the right girl, one worth the risk ha ha, he is going to be such a good boyfriend. I can tell. He is such a caring and awesome friend.

So, now I am off to work. I have wasted my day today. Tomorrow I will be better.

someday I know it will all turn out

Last night was way awesome. I was invited to dinner with some people in my ward. They are two really awesome, smart and funny girls. I enjoyed their company immensely. Though I will say I am slightly intimidated by them. I hope to go over again soon.

On a different note, I am constantly soo busy and I feel bad when I can't hang out with everyone that I want to. But school is hard, and work is well, demanding. I have been sick and my hours are slim so I know I am going to start hurting soon. I hate that. I want to buy a car, I just keep praying it will work out you know?

I am still sick and I hate it. I think its going away though. My right tonsil is swollen and has mucus all over it. It looks quite revolting.

I have been doing home work all morning and I told work I would be in an hour later so I could do home work and also so I could sleep a little more. I keep hoping that the more I sleep the sooner I will get better.

I have been doing more creative writing work. I have a lot in my repertoire now.

Here is one I turned in a few weeks ago.

Paths

This is the path I never wanted to take,

one I never expected to be on.

Yet I keep walking the dusty road,

over the rigid rocks and boulders,

through the sharp edged tumble weeds,

underneath the blistering summer sky.

She walks a path I would have chosen,

one that I am unable to be on.

The paved even ground underneath

carries her safely through.

While gigantic oaks shade her trail

she, smiling, carries on her way.

I envy her as she strolls along effortlessly

while I grab onto barren branches

desperately trying to brace myself before I fall.

As I look at my worn shoes and deep cuts,

my torn clothing and shaking hands,

I see the path I have tread...and how far I have come.

My teacher says that it is very prosy. I agree. i need to figure out how to fix that. It was an exercise in imagery. She says I should make it longer. Go in more depth. I just need to figure out what exactly I should do with it.

And now I am off to work.

but what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight

The problem with silly movies all about love... is they make you miss what you don't have, and don't really want.
or at least what you tell your self you don't want... because let's be honest, we all want love.

I saw some sappy love movie tonight. It was funny and I laughed. After it I felt totally fine. I was apathetic towards love and just happy to be at the movie with friends.
Kevin looked at me, "well, the problem with romance movies is now we all will cry our selves to sleep knowing we will never have that..."
...

wonderful.
Just what i wanted to hear.

But then, I thought about it. You know what... I AM NOT DEPRESSED! I feel like I should be or something.. BUT I AM NOT!
Life is so much more then crying over who wants me and who doesn't.
Life is about me and the Lord. As long as I live my life doing what makes him happy and me happy... well It will all work out in the end.
I am not even worried.
and I am loving my life. All my moments of being what I am, and being able to discover who I am.
Because I am a pretty awesome person, and its sad It has taken me twenty one years to finally believe that.