There is a fight goes on

There is a fight that goes on within me.
I am afraid to let it be. If I hold it in for much longer what could it do? What will I become?
If I pretend that I feel nothing then maybe that is what I will be.
A shell of a human? A person without feelings... becuase feelings make no sense.

The hardest part of being sad is when people don't understand and you feel completely alone.
I hate feeling like I am no one. Trying my best to fit in. I want so badly to play the perfect part. Be the perfect person. But I am constantly falling short.
And I feel like I have no one to talk to. And I want to get a counselor. I want to fight but I have been made to feel that that path is weak. That I need to be stronger on my own.

So maybe I am having a hard day. or week. Or so.

I know there is a God. I know he loves me. Even if I can't see why all the time. I know he does.

We all have bad days. How do we fight another day? Just line upon line. Precept upon precept.
I know I am not alone. Even when I feel it.
I have faith in the Lord above.

but that doesn't take away the fact that I feel so emotionless.

I pray tomorrow will be different.

Here is to a new year

So much change has happened this year.
2012.
I feel overwhelmed. I would be naive to believe that 2013 will be less eventful. Change is always inevitable.

I want so badly to just be happy.
I feel like I can fake it so well. I may not be able to say many great things about myself but I can say that I am a fairly decent actress.

I know I have every reason to be happy. I know I have a really wonderful life. And those who have never experienced depression won't understand. They may think I am weak. They probably think I am pathetic and ungrateful. I hope they will understand that depression is a horrible thing that rears its nasty head in the most agonizing ways. And so what may seem as pathetic and weak to you is actually someone giving life their all. Depression makes everyday, every little normal thing difficult. I want so badly to just smile at my daughter and laugh with her without feeling like I am straining to find the energy to do so.

This year I am going to work on me. I want to work out. I want to eat better. I want to be more spiritual and closer to God. And I pray that as I work on these things that the depression will become more manageable. That the energy will come. And that I will be able to to allow myself to feel the happiness that is in my life. Becuase I have such an amazing life. I just want to enjoy it.

I am so grateful that God loves me and has brought me so far. I know he won't forget me. I know despite my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that he has never left my side.

I know this. I know this. I know this.
Please... please... let me live this.

Look past the darkness

I am not sure who reads this anymore.. I think becuase I have my "family" blog now that not many people do.
I am ok with that.
Becuase I need a place to write. I need a place to express this journey that I am going through right now without the fear of being judged or harassed.

Depression is real. I wish I knew more people who suffered from it so maybe then I could have someone to relate to. Someone to talk to. Someone to tell me that they have survived it.

I thought I had gotten through the worst. Back when I was 13 all I had was pills. I was thrown every pill you could imagine. Then at 20 I decided that pills were not for me. I went to talk therapy. I felt so much better. I met my husband. Fell in love. Got married. Had a baby.

Now I find myself back in this darkness. I feel as if sadness won't let me be. I feel guilty for being sad becuase when I take an inventory of my life I realize I have every reason to be happy. I have every reason to smile and laugh...
Some moments I am fine. Some moments I am happy and I can go out face the world.
Other moments I feel so consumed with anxiety, self doubt and just plain sadness. Tears fall and won't leave.
I have tried to fight this. My doctor gave me more medicine... nothing I hadn't taken before. I felt like I was taking a million steps backwards. I was reverting back to pills. I felt as if they were masking my problems. Whatever my problems are.

That is what is so difficult with true depression. It is so hard to actually see what is causing you to be sad. You just feel so low. So unhappy.
The guilt is so horrible too. The guilt I feel when I realize that I have no reason to feel sad. When sure maybe when I was younger my sadness was understood becuase I had a pretty screwed up life but now things are better. Things are great. I should be smiling and dancing even and yet I am stuck in this rut of confusion where there doesn't seem to be any answers on how to survive here.
My younger self would be so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

Some one who has true depression can't just be told to "snap" out of it. I know that. But I want so badly to snap out of this. I want there to be a pill that will take away my hatred of myself, of my guilt, of my sadness.


I know I need to see a counselor. I am going next wednesday.
I need to remember that darkness can't control me. I need to look at the miracle that I have in front of me everyday... my smiling daughter. I need to realize how loved I am. How wonderful life is. How the sunshine is bright despite the doubts in my head that say there is only darkness forever.
I can grasp onto the hope that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I need to let that knowledge bring me through this journey right now. My daughter deserves a happy mother.

I wish I knew that I wasn't the only person who has ever felt this way.
Maybe I am the only person who has ever felt this way.

I have to look through the clouds of confusion, doubt and horribly binding sadness and see that I am never truly alone. There is a God. I know that. Even if depression makes it harder to feel his love... i need to remember that he is there. He has always been there and he will never leave me.

I need to smile. I need to laugh. I need to face the fact that things will get better.

I just need to keep trudging along. I am strong... I can do this.
I hope.

I smile when I see you, I have been waiting for you.

      I am married and its been almost 2 months. I feel so blessed to have my best friend with me at all times. I am never bored. Don't be fooled, things are not always perfect. It is strange getting used to living with someone especially when that someone is male.

     I keep finding myself in awe that I am no longer apart of the dating game. I keep looking back on where I have come from and how I ended up here. I have been waiting for Eric for so long it seems while in reality it was not that long at all. i would do it all again if it meant ending up with someone so worth it.
     I keep reading all these sad little blog posts and journal entries from long ago. I knew I was looking for Eric all along but I couldn't find him. I wish I could go back and reassure myself through all those tearful nights that I would not be alone for long.
     I am so happy to be where I am. I was thinking of that today. I am starting my program in the fall and going back to my awesome job helping out in the kindergarten class. I am so happy to see where life will take me. I know so much is in store.
     I know I have never been alone, My Savior has been with me. But I will say its nice to have Eric beside me now too. I never imagined that I would end up with some one so selfless and kind. And someone I know won't let me down.

Its been a rocky path to get here but it was worth the hike. I know my trail does not end here but I am glad I get to go the rest of the way with some one.
He is all I could have ever wanted.

We all want our Happily Ever After

     I don't believe in the typical Fairy Tale. I don't believe in the whole distraught princess lives a lonesome terrible life until the handsome brave prince comes riding in on his beautiful white horse to whisk her away to her new joyous life of riches, fame and the simple promise of a "Happily Ever After." Some of you are probably asking yourselves why this seems so cynical for someone you know is getting married in 23 days. I will get to that, just hear me out.
      I will admit that as a child I fantasied what it would be like to be swept off my feet by prince charming and to have him carry me away to a place where I would never have to cry, work or feel pain again. Where there would only be happiness and his strong arms to hold me close. I imagined as I would scrub the old bay window in our kitchen what it would be like to be a princess. What it would be like to have someone to love me and to adore me.
     I searched high in low during high school and my first few years of college for this magical remedy to my sadness; my prince, that all the movies promised me and all the other hurt, depressed girls who felt alone and forgotten. I soon realized that there were many men who disguised themselves as princes only to leave you hurt and even more broken than you were. I learned about trusting someone and how sometimes that does not always work to your advantage. I learned that not every man is a prince... and that there are not many people with these promised "Happily Ever Afters." I learned that there are good men out there who could be a prince, but they just don't quite work well with you... so they are not your prince.
     One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is not a prince here on this earth to rescue you from your trials. No one came whisking into my life to grant me a solution to all my sadness and woe. I waited and waited for someone to give me worth. For someone to make my pain go away and to make me feel like I was worth it. I was waiting for someone to convince me that I deserved love. No one could do that for me. Guys would come into my life, make me feel loved and special and than as soon as they would leave, let me down or disappear so did my self worth. So did my life it would seem. I realized that I am not waiting for my prince so that my life can begin, but rather I have to find out who I really am and then my life can begin.
     For each person the quest to find themselves is a very personal journey that can take a very long time. I realize now that my quest began long ago but became more effective for me when I moved out on my own about four years ago. I was forced to face life on my own in many ways and it felt like the weight of the world was trying to bring me down. I realize now that weight is what brought me up to what I am now. For me, I would never had figured out who I am with out my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My knowledge that he knows me and loves me is what got me through all the thickest of the many thorny branches that blocked my path. When I had literally no one else to turn to I always could turn to him. And even though many nights I was unsure if he could hear my heart felt pleas for comfort I know now he was there every step that I took. He was my answer as cliche as it may be. It is real.
     I realized that I was not just some simple girl from some unknown california town. I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who knows me personally. I realized that I have great potential with in me, as we all do. That I am not measured by what other people say or think of me but what I do and become. My strength is measured by how I can press forward and how I learn from mistakes. I realized that I do deserve happiness despite my past, struggles or trails.
     I realize this may not be how all people find themselves. I respect that. I just know that there is a God and that he loves all his children. That knowledge helped me out of my depression and sadness and that is what brought me to find myself. That knowledge is what will bring me my Happily Ever After.
     Becuase I learned who I was and how to like myself, when a dashing young man came along with a kind heart and pure intentions I was able to see him. I was able to let him in and let him love me. And I am able to love him with all of my heart. And becuase my life is no longer one huge mess of self pity I was able to let him in and not want to run away like I always have in the past looking for answers. I have answers now. Maybe not all of them, but we can figure out the rest together.
  
     I want you all to know that Eric is indeed my prince. And he is definitely more than I have ever dreamed of. He did not come in and save me from any untimely doom. He did not rescue me from all my sadness and despair. He sure did light up my life though. He has made it a billion times better. He did sweep me off my feet, I was not expecting to find someone as passionate, kind, intelligent, funny, determined, faithful and loyal as him. He has given me a kind of happiness that I have never known. He has taught me what it means to be loved and adored and for him I am very grateful. But I am not naive. I know that he has not saved me from all of the pain and torment of life. I know that there is still sadness in this world, but having him beside me will help me to face it all.
Eric is a strength to me. He is my best friend and he is what I have been waiting for. The Lord has rescued me. He has given me hope for a real Happily Ever After where I can be with Eric not just for this short time on earth, but forever. I look forward to that time. But till then I will have my (soon to be) husband by my side as we face the trials and hardships that life has in store. I don't promise that we will do it gracefully or even with out complaint (though I will try) but we will go through hand in hand.

LDS San Diego Temple 

So no, I don't believe in a typical fairy tale... But I do believe there is a Happily Ever After someday thanks to a loving God and hey... I am getting married in a castle.



  

To know more about my happiness and self discovery visit HERE.

Pressure

There are days that I feel so overwhelmed. I feel as if I am about to sink ... as if I am going to just wash away. It is so hard pleasing everyone... watching what I say, making sure not to offend anyone. It is so hard to go around living life. I feel so alone at times. I am so grateful to Eric. I don't know what I would do without him.
I am trying so hard everyday. I know that the Lord loves me. He is helping me through life and despite the hard times and the many tears I shed I know that each day is a new chance to be the best I can be.
I make mistakes. I wish I could erase them. But all I can do is fix it.
I am so stressed, I feel alone and that I have to face everything by myself... but I know that things are ok... and even though i don't think I deserve it... I am so happy to have Eric and his love.

Its been awhile

I have a lot to say... but time seems to get the best of me these days.
I am engaged. I am in the elementary ed program at UVU and I am doing my best each day to survive.

I don't have more time to gab or write right now which makes me sad but I will just do a little advertising for my fiance's family.
They have a great fitness camp in Saint George Utah. Its amazing. They are wonderful personal trainers and their main focus for the camp is to help their clients learn how to change their lifestyles to be more healthy. They teach how to cook, how to plan what you eat and how to work out and properly exercise. They are wonderful people. So pass it along.

http://lifestylefitnesscamp.com/

Don't you wish we'd fall in love?

I never thought that I would be able to let go of my past. Lets be honest, I am not very good at that. I never thought I would be able to let myself care again. Not unless someone from my past came back and told me they had made a mistake. I was certain THAT would be the only way I could "Love again".

I was wrong.

Its an amazing feeling when you fall so fast and so hard that your feet are over your head and your flat on your face in a new place that you never thought could exist.

I never thought this could exist for me.
I know that my life is so richly blessed by the hand of the Lord. I know that I have been given so much lately and it is becuase of God. I know he is helping me. I am so grateful.

I can't imagine my life without Eric. ... No, I can. And its horrible. Its lonely and exactly like it was before I met him, empty. I was searching for so long for someone like him to come along and open my eyes to the beauty that is life. I was waiting for someone to come along and mesh into my life.
And here he is and I am so blessed. My life is not perfect but I am so happy.

Everyone wants to be loved.  I never thought it was for me.
I am so glad I was wrong.

I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to. Nothing ever is what it may seem to be. Things don't stay the same forever. Change is inevitable in every aspect of life. Embracing change... learning how to deal with it is the key. The key I have not quite grasped yet. But I am working on it.

I don't ever seem to fully understand myself. I think I have the world figured out, I have myself figured out and than something will come out of nowhere and catch you off guard. That is not always bad, but for me who is constantly looking for stability and consistency it can be a bit unnerving.

I have been extremely blessed lately. I have very little to complain about. And yet in the midst of my happiness comes my ever occurring doubts. The doubts that make me wonder if I am doing what is right. I am aways second guessing myself. Wondering if I am being stupid. Wondering if there lies in the past something I will regret. Wondering if I am doing what is right... what if I just think its right and I am wrong. What if I am wrong?
There comes a time when you have to stop listening to the doubts.. (the doubts that are a lot less loud this time remarkably). There comes a time when you jump. You just jump and trust God and stop worrying.
God will not guide us somewhere that is second best.
I need to learn how to separate fiction from truth. Imaginary from reality. I need to learn how to trust in my answers and my happiness... I need to realize that I deserve to be happy despite what I may have been conditioned to believe. I need to not sabotage a good thing and just let it happen.

I need to learn how to Trust. Sounds like something I have heard before...

I need to allow myself to be happy.

The past is a wonderful place to visit from time to time... but if we never take a step out of the past, if we stay there holding on so tightly to what WE think is best for us, to what we think is supposed to be our path than we will miss life. We will miss opportunities.
Yes, the past is safe, becuase we already know it. and the future is uncertain, scary, and unknown. But if we don't trust we will stay at a mediocre level of happiness instead of the eternal blissful happiness we have been promised. Trust God. Trust that as we pray and live the way we should our lives will unfold in the way that is best for us.

Letting go is hard. Moving forward can hurt. But there is happiness up ahead. We just need to jump out there and free fall into the future.

I know this is a good thing. I can feel it.
I am just so bound by a past that broke me...

Be patient. I can over come. I climb mountains... so this, this is nothing.
You are worth this.

It always comes right on back to you.

     There are so many thoughts running through my brain and yet all that I can seem to grasp is one constant sentence, "I want to runaway."
     Not to escape forever. Becuase I am not the type of girl to do that. But for a day or a week. I would like to go away. Alone. reconnect with myself. I wish I would have taken advantage of the times I spent alone. The moments when I had "Nothing to do".
Why did I complain about that so much and yet now I long for that.

     I saw her again tonight you know. That girl. That girl I finally now know. She was crying again. She has not done that in a while. And her tears ran down the curves of her cheeks only to release that pain from her past that she keeps so hidden deep inside.
     She didn't long for anyone though. She did not long for someone to come hold her and make all the pain disappear. She just cried. And as she cried she knew that it was through those tears she would learn and grow. She did not ask for the hurt to leave or the answers to be made more clear. Just for strength to move on. Happiness is promised to everyone in time. And its through our pain that we appreciate our happiness.

     The damage began 8 years ago. That was the tragic break that started it all. Others have chipped away at her since. And now she is left with a shapeless speck that has nothing left to give.
Why do we take what does not belong to us? Why do we break what we cannot repair?

I just want you to know, Becuase I don't think you do...You left without even realizing what you were leaving.

We can just dance the night away.

     I went to an institute dance last night with some of the greatest people alive. I am not a huge fan of dancing or social gatherings (especially those which are focused around the idea of everyone dating becuase I usually feel pretty awkward while everyone stares at you and tries to see if you are worth asking out! ha.) but I had a lot of fun regardless. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself. It was definitely an evening I do not regret.

  
     As of late I have had a lot of time to think about the future and how it always seem to be that I am waiting for something. I hate that feeling. Waiting. Especially when I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for. I know that it is so important to gain patience while I wait, yet the test is how?
      Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk last conference about patience. You can see it here.
     I realize that patience is essential to becoming perfect. Patience shows that we can put our desires on hold for a time and then we do what the Lord would have us do. I find that it is hard to submit to the will of the Lord sometimes and not becuase I don't love him or I don't want to follow him but becuase I don't exactly know what is in store. It is scary to walk down a dark path with only a light that shines 5 inches in front of you.
     So once again I return to this ever present concept of Faith. I must learn to put all my faith in God and place my doubts and struggles at his feet. I know that if do this and just press forward that my burdens will be light and that I will be able to see where it is this dark and scary path leads.
     The world is so big. It is easy to get lost, lose your way and forget what is important. I have done that. I refuse to again. I know where I want to be now and even though I don't have all the answers to life's many mysteries I have the answers that matter.
     I know how to gain happiness.

     I realize that what we all desire is happiness and only happiness. When sadness comes we cry out to the seemingly empty sky, "Why can't I just be happy?" We moan and groan and look forward to those better times or sometimes we hold on to our past happy memories waiting for them to return.
I submit that we should be grateful for those sad moments. Those times that make us scream out in utter despair  and feel like we may never smile again. Becuase those are the moments that have really taught us what happiness is. Those moments have brought us to our knees only so we could feel that sweet peace that can comfort us. To show us that sunshine can follow a storm. We would never appreciate the sun if we didn't have those gloomy days. We would never appreciate the happiness that comes in life if we did not have sadness and loss.
I am going to work harder on trying to remember that.
I am going to work harder on enduring well and being patient through the hard times.

 

I know there is always a way to dance in the rain.

"There are lots of smart ideas in books I never read..."

     I wish I was a scholar. I wish I read a thousand books and could impress you with my knowledge. I wish I could make you smile with my witty humor. I wish that I could sometimes be the age that I feel, and not be seen as this little immature twenty one year old.  I feel so much different than other people my age. But really I just feel different than other people.

     I know who I want to be. Who do you want me to be?
I sometimes feel like everyone wants me to be somebody else. I just want to be me... and I just want that to be ok.
     But what if who I am or who I choose to be is someone that no one ever wants. What if I am someone no one can ever understand? I feel like that. I am someone no one understands. And I am undecided on if that is a good thing or not.

     I feel like in many conversations with mixed company lately the topic of dating has been coming up more and more. It is a frustrating topic. Apparently I have some very strong feelings on the issue and I suppose that could be a good and bad thing. A boy in my ward though tonight, well, he pretty much summarized exactly how I have been feeling on the topic of dating lately and it is this... I want to date someone, be with someone, who makes me want to be better. I want to be with someone who has  similar desires of righteousness as me. I want to be with someone who encourages me to be all that I can be and I want to encourage him. I want to be with someone where we both go to church, and that if we end up getting married someday I won't be the one getting up sunday mornings alone. I want someone who is a good guy and strives to please the Lord.
      But once again, there seems to be a problem. I don't seem to meet people like that. Or maybe they just don't let me know they are like that?  Or the people I do meet that are like that never seem to be interested in me.
But, once again, I must ask; "why is it bad that I just ignore dating?" I just don't have time for it now... and I have a lot of time to wait. I am only twenty one.

     Lately I have been thinking. Just thinking of life. Where I am, where I have been, where I am going. I have thought about myself. Who I am. I am a reflective person. I like to try and think things out.

     I think there are so many things I have yet to learn. There are so many things I have done that I wish I hadn't. So many bridges burned that I wish I had just never walked over. and Yet I know that I have walked the path that I am on for a reason. I know that it leads to greener valleys and I am willing to journey on ward till I find them, where ever they may be.

I know its not an easy path that I will continue to venture on, but I am willing to face it.
You are welcome to join me. I promise to never let go if you grab my hand. I promise to help you if you help me.

Can you see yourself through someone else's eyes?

And the words raced through my brain, like memories from long ago, haunting everything. "Have some faith, you are strong."
     But words are words. There is nothing there without action. So I hang my head now, for the things I have forgotten.
     I am strong. I see strength when I look in the mirror. But there are days I forget. There are times we all forget, just how strong we really are. But we can't dwell on days lived. We can't let them paint us old as we regret where we slipped and fell. We push on and learn. We remember our past as our future will tend to repeat itself.. If we let it, we have learned nothing. If we can change it, well, then we can see our strength and growth.
     Doubt destroys, faith fulfills. Pres. Monson said that. Why is it that I allow doubt to come in? Why is it that doubt can creep so easily and faith seems so much harder to grasp?
But on this side of the bridge I feel that doubt is nothing more than my fears. I can let them go. I can't see everything, true. Fog clouds my view here and there, but faith can carry me through it. I know that I will make it out. This path ends somewhere.

     The sun still shines my friends. You can see it, you can feel it. So why worry? "I wonder all the time why worry?" Have a little faith! The sun has never given into the night, it rises still everyday without fail. Somedays a little dimmer than others but still it comes out. What makes you any different?

     For all of you who ever doubted me, I can tell you now; I am living on my own. I am surviving all alone. and I am winning.  I still know who I am. I have not forgotten.

     Where are you? Who are you? Any clue?

and there is so much you just don't know.

     I have found myself today, just wanting to get away. Just wanting to run or drive (or fly) to a beach or to the mountains where I can just hide away unharmed or bothered. I can read, think, write, sing... be free. I want to just get away, away from this. This everyday same old same old that repeats and repeats and drives me to believe that the only happiness I will ever find will be when my head hits my pillow at night.
     I have been trying to figure out where faith comes in. And I know where now. I know where it comes. It comes at times like this where I don't see the light. Where I can't see how taking this path will ever make me happy. But I push on with full trust. That is when my faith kicks in. That is where I let go of my doubts and my longing to control. Becuase I don't see how my future will work out. How my desires can ever be met. But I push on. I endure on.

"I tie my handle bars to the stars so I stay on track. "

I find myself in awe with the sky. Its endless and beautiful. Its holds so much mystery. The sky is so much greater than I may even hope to be and yet here I am, so important? so Significant? so they say... I feel so powerless.

I want to fly away. Away and be alone. Where not even you, yes you can find me. You who I don't know. You won't even find me. And I will sit and ponder the wonders of this earth and all that God has created. And when I'm done I will fly back home. Home. Home? I am not sure I know where that is. Where are you?

If you want to fly away with me, I may let you. Ask nicely. I am fragile.

our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

     This month has been awesome. I have a new job, as a preschool teacher at a day care called the Kids Connection. I teach two year olds. Its fantastic.
     My brother moved up here and I actually have a family. It makes me so happy. He is the best kid. He has such a kind heart and just a good soul about him. He is the kind of kid that when you meet him you have to be his friend. He is just so cool.
     I have had other family issues arise lately and I refuse to deal with them. I refuse to be a part of it any longer. It drains me. so I just am letting it go. I can't let it hurt me anymore than it already has.
     I have worked 55 hours this week. And I am in a 4 credit math class. I won't lie, I am stressed.
     I wish I could say I have myself all figured out. All I can say is that I am so busy that I have no time to figure anything out, and a sick part of me likes that.
A part of me is happy that any free time I have is spent doing homework or planning my lessons for the next few days.
     I am glad I don't have time to think about what happened a year ago. About what was said and not said and how things were dealt with. I am glad my thoughts do not have to return to those painful times, those times that I can't change but haunt. I am glad I am too busy.
     I am glad that I have a new job. I am glad I don't spend all my time at JOANN any longer. I am so glad I don;t have to deal with angry guests and a huge messy store. I am glad I don't have to call people in for shifts or train new people at the register. I am glad I don't have to deal with crazy schedules and long hours of being walked all over. I am glad I don't have to be somewhere all the time any longer  where I look out the window to see a car that reminds me of what I don't have and what (I know its twisted...) I am apparently not good enough for. ( I know thats not true, but that thought crosses my mind every now and than.)
I am too busy to notice that everyone I know is dating or likes someone or has someone they are pursuing or vice versa. I am too busy to notice that I do not. I am too busy to do any of that anyways, I don't want it.
I am way to consumed with my crazy life to notice that I lie to myself when I say that.
     I know that everything in my life is good. I have complete trust and faith in God. But I can't help the quiet whispers every now and then that sadden my spirit.
But I know! I KNOW.  In time its all going to work out. Things won't be so crazy and this lonely heart of mine will not seek for someone to understand it.
I have faith that I can't control my situation but I can control my attitude and how I will handle things. I have faith in myself and that I can handle anything. I can handle anything AND I can do so in a rational manner.
     I know all of this. But sometimes I just have to admit that I have moments of weakness. There are days I am sad. Days I am discouraged. Days I don't understand.
     I Just press on. Keep myself super busy... super super busy.
I am excited to see where My road ends up.


side notes... This music video makes me so happy.
Click here for happiness

Pretty sure I am totally that type of woman. or at least I would be If I needed to save brandon flowers. No questions asked I would take down ninjas.

Times, they are a changing.

I feel that wind blowing through my hair again. Things are changing.
Which is good in so many ways, and yet bad.
My heart is one who holds the past dear. Even the past which has hurt and bruised me. Even the past where I have hurt and bruised myself.
But there comes a time when we all must move on and let go, and put trust in God.

Change is so scary.
I have felt uneasy lately, doubts of what I can handle have come through my mind. But I have been able to easily brush them off and smile. I know who I am, I know what I can do. Have you met me? You are missing out.
No really, I am good. And I just have faith that stupid heartache is just that stupid heartache. What matters is ME and my future.
I had such a great day. And its funny how one picture can bring you down, How one phone call from your mother saying she is dating that man she married long ago and that your brother sold some very expensive knifes that used to belong to your Dad... its funny how it can stab you in the heart.
But then I stopped and thought.
I can do better than that picture. I am better than that picture. There is a reason he is my past now. There is a reason its been over a month since we spoke. And it is a good reason. Don't forget or doubt that.
Than, I texted my mom and told her as long as she is dating that man I refuse to talk to her.
And I realize that my brother can sell my Dad's things and use the money for who knows what, but He can never sell my memories, and how much of my Dad is in me. Material things are unimportant in the grand scheme of it all. Plus I know I am making my Dad proud. I am in a good place, nothing can change that.
So yes, tears fell down my face for a minute only to be wiped away by the girl who knows she can do anything.
This is nothing.

Plus, I am getting out.
I keep telling myself, allow yourself to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be happy. I get to be happy.

Things never turn out like you may plan.
But that is what keeps life so exciting.

I just keep singing that song by Jimmy eat world... "Big Casino"
Pretty sure they wrote that about me. :)
"I am the one who gets away."
"They will say, all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice."
"I accept with poise, with grace as they draw my name from the lottery."
"...play my little part in something big."
"I am a success story"

want to hear the song?

Throwing away the letters that I am writing you, cause they would never do, I would never do.

The weather has been so beautiful lately. Hot, but beautiful.
I am keeping myself busy and surrounded by people. Time flies by.
I am in love with Viktor Frankl's philosophy.
Here are some quotes from him I Love :
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl 


Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
Viktor E. Frankl 


Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor E. Frankl 



Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl 






I have been reading his book Man's search for meaning.  I absolutely love it. I am not quite done, but when I finish I will have to read it again becuase its so deep and full of great insight that rereading it will help me to understand it even more. There is so much in it to be learned.


I feel like his idea's of "changing yourself and your attitude becuase we can't change our situation", is something I have heard all my life and yet never believed. Which is foolish on my part really. I thought telling someone to choose to be happy was unkind and unsympathetic. How can some one choose to be happy when sadness is all around you? Shouldn't you just submit to what obviously the universe wants you to be? Doesn't trials, hard times and difficulties mean that God, the universe and/or Life hate you?
 It seemed ridiculous to me. But that is my inner child speaking, the one who doesn't understand how to deal with herself. Our mind is a marvelous thing. We have so much power over our attitudes which then has so much control over who we are and what we make of our situations. 
Difficult times are not life's way of saying you suck, give up! Rather it is Life's way of saying what can you become? What can you do with this? It is a challenge not a condemnation. 
We are in control of who we are and who we want to be.
I never realized this until recently. I never realized how different life can be when you just choose to submit to the hard times and still be happy. 
Life is so much different when I think "what am I to learn, how will I gain from this" verses "what have I done to deserve this".


There are days where we all feel down, life seems so uphill and we don't know what exactly we are living for. There are days I still forget that i am in charge of my attitude and my perceptions. 
But my challenge to myself is to not let those thoughts last too long. I hope to never give up. and to find the happiness, the meaning in everything that seems to have none. 
Life is relative to our attitude. It is what we make of it. Why would we want to make it miserable? Change is constant, and the change we can have inside ourselves should be as well. 

Break the chains that bind you.

     Sometimes laughing with good friends will make all the difference in the world.
These past few weeks have been crazy. And honestly, the old me would have given up... thrown my hands in the air, screamed and hid under my blanket for a few days. Really and truely... that old me would have crawled in bed and called into work.
But I am the new me. I'm better wiser & a more stable me.
I did not throw up my hands and admit defeat.
     Lets be honest... I cannot control everything. This I know. I can't control lying boys, broken cars, angry guests, Broken phones, Certain people hating your existence, crazy family,  or tired aching (sore, possibly sprained) feet.
     I can't do anything to stop any of that. BUT I can control my attitude. Yes, I did just say that.
Its so true though. I have always laughed at the idiots who say that. My entire life I have mocked and heavily ridiculed those stupid people who have the audacity to say, "choose to be happy and you will be happy. Get over it and smile."
      I am in no way saying you can just tell your self to be happy and BAM you are. But I do think that the mind is powerful. And the way you react to your trials and misfortunes will determine the quality of your life.
     I have found peace and balance in my once crazy and dysfunctional life. I have found better ways to channel my hostile feelings and angst. I have a better perspective on life and where I am going.
I have come to know myself and know who I want to be. I know that this has helped me so that these past few weeks have not broken me.
I am actually more ok than I have been in.. well my entire life.
I like who I am and where I am.
     Its a way nice feeling, you should try it.

For any one who is interested here is a few highlights of my past few weeks...

     1) I had a "guest" argue with me about wanting to buy a bucket we had sitting on the floor collecting the rain water. It was filled with brown water and had a label on its bottom from 2008. Needless to say after much argument I gave in to the wench of a women and smiled watching her leave my store. I honestly Can't believe someone would fight a twenty one year old girl over a plastic bucket of brown rain water. I wonder what else she fights for.. Like does she go to Wal mart and fight for them to sell her their sanitary trash cans in the women's restroom stalls? I wouldn't put it past her.

     2) I was in winco, which is by far the most amazing place on earth. I was down an aisle with 3 of my girl friends. We were talking and laughing. I started to dance for them. I shook my hips in that way that girls do when they are showing how risqué they can be when no one is looking. We all giggled and went on our way.  As we were walking out, a man looking exactly like tiger woods (even his clothing) taps me on the shoulder. His deep voice paralyzes me as I realize what he is saying... "I saw you dancing." My eyes are the only thing  that moved at this point as I watch him walk away and then he looked back to smile. Needless to say I should not be allowed out in public.

     3) I went on a date. Yup. It was awesome in and of itself. My favorite parts included ME driving up to West Valley and then driving us on this "date".  We get up to the restaurant, and I am starving. As we get out he informs me that he does not have his wallet. I wanted to make him go get his wallet but I am too hungry and being in the car longer with him seems like a worse alternative. We sit down and he does not stop talking to save his life. If there is an odd silence He breaks it with a noise, little humming or random fact. There were no questions asked by him about me, just him talking/making noise.
     He was very nice and pleasant please don't get me wrong and YES I know... beggars can't be choosers, but there was something a bit strange about him. This was confirmed when as I was dropping him off he stayed seated in my car as long as possible going on about music or computers. Finally when it was time for him to get out he looks down the road and sees a kid on a bike, He then breaks out into an improvised song with lyrics like such, "there is a kid on a bike and he is coming towards us, kid on a bike and he is coming towards us. Kid on a bike. kid on a bike... kid on a bike. And he passed us."
 I don't think we will be going out again anytime soon.

4) My mom called me today to ask if I want her to buy me some of the contacts she found at the dollar store. Don't worry they are not a dollar. They are 15$. and they have 85 different colors to choose from. My mom recommends the bright green or aqua. She is contemplating the purple too. Though the zebra stripes are her favorite. I really should get some...
Not exactly sure what else to say about this... I don't know if I should question the fact that she is buying contacts from the dollar store or if I should bring up the fact that she should not be wasting her hard earned disability/retirement money on such fun and entertaining ( and probably hazardous) accessories.
But, as she put it, Don't you just really get sick of your eye color sometimes?


I have about a billion other awesome stories of fun but I think that is all for tonight.
I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that life is good.
Hard times, crazy times, and difficult times make the good stories that i can smile about and retell saying, "Heck yes... I survived."

and I will be honest if you listen.

I am avoiding doing my paper that is due in 8 hours.

I wish you were here to distract me. Its been three days since we talked.
... you know I miss you.
I miss my best friend.

My roommate and I talked about expectations tonight. How we always expect everyone to disappoint us. Becuase everyone always will.
BUT if we go about always expecting the worse in people they will sense that and it will push them away.
I thought that was interesting. I am pretty sure that explains so many of my failed relationships. My doubts, my concerns... the fact that I am just waiting for the letdown, the heart break.
I never seemed to just let it go.

I wish I had.
But life cannot be lived in the past, or the wouldhaves and couldhaves that seem to plague our memories.
We can not allow ourselves to become haunted by thoughts of "if I only knew then..."
The past is the past for a reason. Its not coming back. There are no second chances, people never let you try again. As sad as that is.
All you can do is know for next time.
and smile.
smile that you learned and that life still has more to teach ya.
That is all a trial is right? Life and God teaching us.
Apparently I am pretty dumb ;)

you don't care

you walk away.
So willing to let this; to let me go.

reminds me of many other relationships that ended similarly...

what do I do so wrong?
I know the answer.

I always just push away till I know there is no rescue.

There is no rescue for one like me.

Love is just another four letter word...

Lets be honest with our selves...
Who could deal with me any how...
who really would want to if they had any other option?


Lets just push on. Another day.
I got this. Don't fret, don't you worry.
Im ok, I am happy.
I got this for next time right?
I know who I am... and I like who I am. I have more confidence.
Maybe that will make all the difference the next time...
the next time.... very far away from now.
please.